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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Santorum Nostalgic For Time When Beliefs Were Outlandish Enough To Make Headlines

WASHINGTON—Wistfully recalling the prominence he had in previous campaign cycles, Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum told reporters Monday that he is nostalgic for a time when his beliefs were considered outlandish enough to make headlines. “I sure do miss the days when I could steal the spotlight just by saying that I believe birth control is wrong because sex must be procreative, or that Palestinians don’t actually exist,” said Santorum, lamenting that previous comments about not wanting to improve the lives of African Americans by “giving them somebody else’s money” made him sound like just another member of the 2016 GOP pack. “Back in 2003, capturing the media cycle for a few days was as easy as telling the press that I believe same-sex relationships are equivalent to man-on-dog sex. Now, even if that got reported, people would think it was Cruz, Rubio, or Carson half the time.” Santorum added that he was somewhat envious of fellow candidate Mike Huckabee, who had briefly garnered press attention by stating that a 10-year-old raped by her stepfather should be denied an abortion.


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