Sappho Delights Crowds With Poetry, Lute

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Sappho Delights Crowds With Poetry, Lute

From the mighty city-states dotting the Greek landscape to the burgeoning ports of Phoenicia, critics throughout the Mediterranean are singing the praises of the seventh century's newest lute sensation—the lovely Sappho!

Sappho (left) entertains some friends with a song on her lute. Critics are calling the Lesbian poet "the hottest new talent on the Hellenic scene since Praxiteles."

Poetry lovers throughout the civilized world agree: Not a single voice in the whole of the Ionian Isles more enchantingly captures the flush of adolescent affairs; the sweetness of girls' voices at the Altar of the Moon; or the delicate, crystal clarity of air, wind, water and wine than the beguiling songstress Sappho, the pride of Mytilene in Lesbos!

The verdict is in, and the refined sophistication of Sappho's elegant seven-stringed lyre is all the rage, and her newest collection, tentatively given the preproduction title Yes I Am, hits marketplaces in December.

Ah, Sappho! You have delighted king and fisherman alike, evoking with the slightest turn of phrase the ephemerity of a sun-splashed terrace of Minos' grand palace at Knossos, the hypnotic flow of windblown hair in the infatuated eye and the soft, tender resonance of fine cloth on bare, pale forearms.

But just who is this enchantress? And what does she have to say about the state of poetry today?

"Up until now, poetry has been, I think, more Mycenaean: grand, heroic epics that take hours to sing, with the rhythmic meter pounded out with a big stick," the poetess said in a recent interview. "And though I love Homer, really, I'm a big fan, I'm trying to do something new and lyrical. Being a Lesbian, sure, it's caused some controversy. The island culture here on Lesbos is largely untouched by Pylos, Crete and the kingdoms of the Eastern seas. Even the influence of the Lydian Empire on the mainland is muted. But the lyric meter is something the fans are really responding to, and I'm proud of that."

Added Sappho, "I [ ]/the willow-girl's ankle/Arkhaptia O mine/ the figs [ ]/sweet[ ]brightness."

Dreamily erotic, yet fused with the pain of longing, Sappho's gentle, breeze-blown lyre-plucking accompaniment—the untranslatable "imeros"—gives her captivating words a graceful voluptuousness.

Though future generations will likely know her only through the scattered fragments of her writings painstakingly reconstructed from crumbling papyrus and shattered shards of pottery, her fame will live on always, borne by muses on wings of wind. "Mere air, these words," the lyricist says on a fifth-century kyklix, "but delicious to hear."

Sappho's world tour begins this spring with opening act Pharkopto the Horse-Mounted Gladiator.

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