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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Sappho Delights Crowds With Poetry, Lute

From the mighty city-states dotting the Greek landscape to the burgeoning ports of Phoenicia, critics throughout the Mediterranean are singing the praises of the seventh century's newest lute sensation—the lovely Sappho!

Sappho (left) entertains some friends with a song on her lute. Critics are calling the Lesbian poet "the hottest new talent on the Hellenic scene since Praxiteles."

Poetry lovers throughout the civilized world agree: Not a single voice in the whole of the Ionian Isles more enchantingly captures the flush of adolescent affairs; the sweetness of girls' voices at the Altar of the Moon; or the delicate, crystal clarity of air, wind, water and wine than the beguiling songstress Sappho, the pride of Mytilene in Lesbos!

The verdict is in, and the refined sophistication of Sappho's elegant seven-stringed lyre is all the rage, and her newest collection, tentatively given the preproduction title Yes I Am, hits marketplaces in December.

Ah, Sappho! You have delighted king and fisherman alike, evoking with the slightest turn of phrase the ephemerity of a sun-splashed terrace of Minos' grand palace at Knossos, the hypnotic flow of windblown hair in the infatuated eye and the soft, tender resonance of fine cloth on bare, pale forearms.

But just who is this enchantress? And what does she have to say about the state of poetry today?

"Up until now, poetry has been, I think, more Mycenaean: grand, heroic epics that take hours to sing, with the rhythmic meter pounded out with a big stick," the poetess said in a recent interview. "And though I love Homer, really, I'm a big fan, I'm trying to do something new and lyrical. Being a Lesbian, sure, it's caused some controversy. The island culture here on Lesbos is largely untouched by Pylos, Crete and the kingdoms of the Eastern seas. Even the influence of the Lydian Empire on the mainland is muted. But the lyric meter is something the fans are really responding to, and I'm proud of that."

Added Sappho, "I [ ]/the willow-girl's ankle/Arkhaptia O mine/ the figs [ ]/sweet[ ]brightness."

Dreamily erotic, yet fused with the pain of longing, Sappho's gentle, breeze-blown lyre-plucking accompaniment—the untranslatable "imeros"—gives her captivating words a graceful voluptuousness.

Though future generations will likely know her only through the scattered fragments of her writings painstakingly reconstructed from crumbling papyrus and shattered shards of pottery, her fame will live on always, borne by muses on wings of wind. "Mere air, these words," the lyricist says on a fifth-century kyklix, "but delicious to hear."

Sappho's world tour begins this spring with opening act Pharkopto the Horse-Mounted Gladiator.

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