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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Sarah Attar

Track and Field, 800m — Saudi Arabia

Accomplishments: Finding success despite growing up in a community notoriously hostile to talented, ambitious young women in Escondido, CA

Running Style: Must be accompanied in 800-meter by male chaperone, who hopefully can run fast

Outfit: Actually allowed to wear whatever she wants, as long as the entire track is surrounded by a tarp

Reasons For Success: Thanks to dual Saudi and American nationality, has never faced career-threatening disadvantage of actually living or training in Saudi Arabia

Long-Term Goal: Hoping to inspire other Los Angeles–based, Saudi-American girls to one day compete in track and field at the Olympics

NEXT: Qiu Bo

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