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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the Secret Service yesterday, instructing the officer to refrain from squirming while he underwent a full makeover. "Hey, stop moving, lady," Sasha yelled as she augmented the 36-year-old former Navy Seal's physical appearance with a series of exotic rouges, eye shadows, and sparkly lip balms. "Yay! Pretty!" Moments after the 8-year-old accessorized the twice-decorated Warren with a variety of charm bracelets, he was summoned from the White House to accompany a group of visiting Syrian dignitaries.

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