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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
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Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent James Warren of the Secret Service yesterday, instructing the officer to refrain from squirming while he underwent a full makeover. "Hey, stop moving, lady," Sasha yelled as she augmented the 36-year-old former Navy Seal's physical appearance with a series of exotic rouges, eye shadows, and sparkly lip balms. "Yay! Pretty!" Moments after the 8-year-old accessorized the twice-decorated Warren with a variety of charm bracelets, he was summoned from the White House to accompany a group of visiting Syrian dignitaries.

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