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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

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