adBlockCheck

Business

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
End Of Section
  • More News

Saturday Looks Terrible for Busy Executive

Walter Russell's schedule is crammed full for the next several weeks, forcing the marketing executive to work Saturdays and evenings. His family is reportedly taking it well.
Walter Russell's schedule is crammed full for the next several weeks, forcing the marketing executive to work Saturdays and evenings. His family is reportedly taking it well.

CLEARWATER, FL (AP)—Ac-cording to a published report, this coming Saturday, which was expected to look good, now looks terrible for area resident Walter Russell.

A marketing executive with the firm of LaMont, Holland & Dozier, the 38-year-old Russell was expected to be free some of the day, but will in reality be extremely busy from early morning until late evening, his time occupied with important business-related matters.

“Saturday’s terrible for me,” Russell said to friend Jack Shores when asked if he was interested in playing golf that afternoon. “I’ve still got to figure out the preliminary numbers on the Jenn-Air account before the proposal Monday, and I haven’t even seen the darn strategy report.”

Shores, a fellow marketing executive, expressed disappointment over Russell’s unavailability for golfing.

“I was really looking forward to playing a round with Walter,” Shores said. “He’s the only one in the office I can actually beat.”

Shores then chuckled and made several more humorous remarks about his friend’s questionable golf skills.

Also disappointed with Russell’s busy Saturday schedule is mistress Diane Kane, 31, with whom the married Russell has been having an affair for nearly four years.

“We were supposed to go out to dinner, and then take a late-night cruise,” Kane said. “I was even going to call him by his pet name, ‘Waltie,’ which drives him crazy.”

“I’m sorry baby,” Russell told Kane late last night via phone. “I’m just slammed tomorrow. I promise I’ll make it up to you soon.” Russell then added he would “really make it up to her,” if she knew what he meant.

This Saturday will mark the third terrible one this month for Russell, who last weekend had to pass on lunch with his wife to finish outlining final budget initiatives for the Mopar Auto Parts account.

Experts are not surprised Russell is so busy Saturday. “Unlike your average auto mechanic or schoolteacher, important marketing executives often must sacrifice weekends,” Professor James J. Dilweg of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business said. “Clearly, Walter Russell understands that to stay on top in a competitive, ever-changing business environment, one must give 110 percent. It is such passion for perfection that defines a winner.”

There is an outside shot Saturday will be okay, if Russell can get a solid enough draft of the report done by mid-afternoon. If that happens, he will try to catch the second half of his son’s youth league basketball game before stopping at a client’s early evening cocktail party.

He also has been putting off a tune-up for his 1993 Lexus, which at 30,000 miles is starting to give him the type of problems he thought he could avoid by purchasing a $44,000 car.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close