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Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Saturn Probe To Be Biggest Story Of The Year

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon. "The probe could impart invaluable clues about the evolution of our own planet, as Titan is the only moon in our solar system with a fully developed atmosphere," Jet Propulsion Laboratory spokesperson Dr. Gregory Bloom said. "Meanwhile, the Cassini orbiter will continue to photograph Saturn's other moons throughout the year, delivering what will assuredly be dazzling views, and possibly revealing more lunar atmospheres, or even new moons. It's exhilarating to be living in these incredible times." Asked whether the spacecraft's four-year tour of the Saturnian system might tell us more about how Saturn's rings were formed, Bloom became coy, saying, "You'll just have to wait until May, when Cassini will begin using radio occultation to estimate the size-distribution of ring particles."

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