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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.
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Saudi Arabian King To Populace: 'Don't Even Think About It'

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—In a televised speech addressing the pro-democracy protests currently sweeping across the Middle East, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia reiterated that the people of his country should not even think about it. "Get it out of your heads right now," the king said in a firm, unwavering tone of voice while staring directly into the camera. "I'm serious. Whatever you are thinking about doing, it’s not gonna end up good for you. Trust me." The king then widened his eyes, paused, and added, "No."

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