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Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

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PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

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WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty. “We can’t allow our courts to be bogged down by these frivolous challenges, which are a drain on resources and can delay justice for much of the afternoon,” said prosecutor Ayman al-Kazaz, who added that paying to feed and house capital offenders for up to 180 minutes was “unconscionable.” “What should be a fairly straightforward process is often needlessly put on hold or pushed back until a later part of the day, and these guys waiting for their appeals to be heard are allowed to spend the intervening hour or two just kicking back in a jail cell. It’s ridiculous.” Al-Kazaz later admitted he was optimistic the government would eventually streamline the process by limiting death-row inmates to a single verbal appeal made while the executioner raises his sword.

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