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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Saudi Executioner Thinks He Pulled Something In Shoulder During Last 10 Decapitations

AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations. “Around the seventh or eighth beheading I came around kind of awkwardly on my windup and heard this loud pop, and I knew immediately that something wasn’t right, ” said al-Faraj, adding that he attempted to ignore the dull pain spreading through his upper right arm and power through the rest of the executions, but he barely had enough strength left to make a clean slice on the final prisoner. “When I got home I took a few Aleve and put some Icy Hot on it, but this morning when I woke up I couldn’t even lift my arm and the pain had spread down to my elbow. I just hope the swelling goes down soon because I’ve got a pretty big slate on Monday.” Al-Faraj told reporters that, on the orders of his orthopedist, he would have to miss out on this weekend’s public stoning of a woman accused of adultery.

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