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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired

EUGENE, OR—Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a "Sleepy Romney" Twitter account he can use to parody Mitt Romney if the GOP candidate appears tired at any point during tonight's presidential debate. "If he yawns even for a second, or rubs his eyes a bunch, this thing is gonna blow up," said Sidell, who told reporters the first tweet from the "Sleepy Romney" account would most likely read "zzzzzzzzz." "I could do a screen-cap of him looking sleepy and make that the avatar. And then tweet funny phrases like 'Paul R-Yawn.' People will retweet it and it will become a meme and I'll get a ton of followers." Sidell claimed that if Romney did not appear tired tonight, he could just find a picture of the former Massachusetts governor blinking, use that, and "hope it takes off."

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