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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired

EUGENE, OR—Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a "Sleepy Romney" Twitter account he can use to parody Mitt Romney if the GOP candidate appears tired at any point during tonight's presidential debate. "If he yawns even for a second, or rubs his eyes a bunch, this thing is gonna blow up," said Sidell, who told reporters the first tweet from the "Sleepy Romney" account would most likely read "zzzzzzzzz." "I could do a screen-cap of him looking sleepy and make that the avatar. And then tweet funny phrases like 'Paul R-Yawn.' People will retweet it and it will become a meme and I'll get a ton of followers." Sidell claimed that if Romney did not appear tired tonight, he could just find a picture of the former Massachusetts governor blinking, use that, and "hope it takes off."

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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