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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Savvy Man Registers 'Sleepy Romney' Twitter Account Just In Case Candidate Looks Tired

EUGENE, OR—Ingenious, quick-thinking local man Pete Sidell, 29, demonstrated his uncanny cultural savviness today by registering a "Sleepy Romney" Twitter account he can use to parody Mitt Romney if the GOP candidate appears tired at any point during tonight's presidential debate. "If he yawns even for a second, or rubs his eyes a bunch, this thing is gonna blow up," said Sidell, who told reporters the first tweet from the "Sleepy Romney" account would most likely read "zzzzzzzzz." "I could do a screen-cap of him looking sleepy and make that the avatar. And then tweet funny phrases like 'Paul R-Yawn.' People will retweet it and it will become a meme and I'll get a ton of followers." Sidell claimed that if Romney did not appear tired tonight, he could just find a picture of the former Massachusetts governor blinking, use that, and "hope it takes off."

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