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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003

WASHINGTON—Despite insisting several times during the first presidential debate that he had never won the U.S. Senate Miss Congeniality award due to his maverick, no-holds-barred legislating style, John McCain was recently revealed to have twice secured the much-coveted congressional superlative during his four terms in office. "This just proves that Sen. McCain is not only willing to lie to the American people, but that he is also perky, helpful, and exceedingly amiable around the Senate," said MSNBC political analyst Keith Olbermann of the documents that have recently come to light, including copies of both award certificates as well as photos of McCain handing out freshly baked cupcakes to the Senate Subcommittee on Appropriations. "American voters feel duped. This allegation runs completely counter to the gruff and unpredictable rebel persona that McCain has carefully cultivated." According to a statement released by the McCain campaign, the senator deeply regrets misleading the American public in regard to his bubbly personality, but remains proud of his seven consecutive U.S. Senate "Best In Swimsuit" wins.

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