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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Scandal: McCain Won Miss Congeniality Of U.S. Senate In 2000, 2003

WASHINGTON—Despite insisting several times during the first presidential debate that he had never won the U.S. Senate Miss Congeniality award due to his maverick, no-holds-barred legislating style, John McCain was recently revealed to have twice secured the much-coveted congressional superlative during his four terms in office. "This just proves that Sen. McCain is not only willing to lie to the American people, but that he is also perky, helpful, and exceedingly amiable around the Senate," said MSNBC political analyst Keith Olbermann of the documents that have recently come to light, including copies of both award certificates as well as photos of McCain handing out freshly baked cupcakes to the Senate Subcommittee on Appropriations. "American voters feel duped. This allegation runs completely counter to the gruff and unpredictable rebel persona that McCain has carefully cultivated." According to a statement released by the McCain campaign, the senator deeply regrets misleading the American public in regard to his bubbly personality, but remains proud of his seven consecutive U.S. Senate "Best In Swimsuit" wins.

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