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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student

LOS ANGELES—Shortly after local high school senior Jeremy Feldman’s YouTube video asking actress Scarlett Johansson to his prom went viral Tuesday, the Lost in Translation star declined the student’s invitation in no uncertain terms, sources confirmed. “The answer is no,” said Johansson, who went on to cite a litany of reasons for refusing the invitation that included scheduling conflicts, the fact that the evening would be uncomfortable for her on many levels, and a mounting distaste for the student’s willingness to create an Internet spectacle that would only pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. “You’re a real piece of work, Jeremy. Because if I ignore the invitation I come off as cold. If I say yes, I’m clearly only doing it to enhance my own image, which is completely disingenuous. What you’re doing essentially amounts to emotional blackmail.” Johansson then blasted Feldman for creating such a PR headache, told reporters that it’s actually bizarre and sort of sick that he needs to ask a celebrity to his prom in order to build up his own self-image, and then—after muttering “dammit” under her breath—said, “Fine, Jeremy, whatever. I’ll go to your stupid fucking prom.”

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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