Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student

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Vol 49 Issue 12

Charlotte Bobcats Get Lost While Driving To Basket

CHARLOTTE, NC—Attempting to put together an offensive play during last night’s matchup against the Detroit Pistons, the Charlotte Bobcats’ starting five got lost while driving to the basket, team sources confirmed Sunday.
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    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Scarlett Johansson Immediately Rejects Heartwarming Prom Invite From High School Student

LOS ANGELES—Shortly after local high school senior Jeremy Feldman’s YouTube video asking actress Scarlett Johansson to his prom went viral Tuesday, the Lost in Translation star declined the student’s invitation in no uncertain terms, sources confirmed. “The answer is no,” said Johansson, who went on to cite a litany of reasons for refusing the invitation that included scheduling conflicts, the fact that the evening would be uncomfortable for her on many levels, and a mounting distaste for the student’s willingness to create an Internet spectacle that would only pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. “You’re a real piece of work, Jeremy. Because if I ignore the invitation I come off as cold. If I say yes, I’m clearly only doing it to enhance my own image, which is completely disingenuous. What you’re doing essentially amounts to emotional blackmail.” Johansson then blasted Feldman for creating such a PR headache, told reporters that it’s actually bizarre and sort of sick that he needs to ask a celebrity to his prom in order to build up his own self-image, and then—after muttering “dammit” under her breath—said, “Fine, Jeremy, whatever. I’ll go to your stupid fucking prom.”

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