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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Scavenger-Hunt Party 'Not Leaving Without Twine'

PORTAGE, MI—A scavenger-hunt team dispatched to the Moorsbridge neighborhood continues to occupy the Dean and Nicole Mullikan residence, and has announced plans to remain until the couple releases a length of twine needed to complete the list given out at Taylor Keim's birthday party. "We've gotten this far, and we're not leaving without the twine," said Joshua Hebert, 11, the leader of a trio of fifth graders who have been engaged in the diligent search since late Monday afternoon. "These people live in a town that recycles. What do they use to bundle their newspapers and cardboard? They need to look harder." Hebert and his partners said they remain confident that the homeowners will soon "come to their senses," like the older lady at 236 Wilton Terrace who finally turned up three red buttons after a two-hour standoff.

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