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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worldview of Allen Koechley, a 41-year-old Schaumburg cost-analysis officer and father of two, was mildly shaken Monday, when he briefly became aware of the possibility that non-Schaumburg places exist.

Schaumberg resident Allen Koechley stands in the parking lot of one of the suburb's 4,894 strip malls.

"I was at the Olive Garden by Woodfield Mall," Koechley said, "when I noticed a small sign stating that the restaurant was one of over 1,500 Olive Gardens nationwide. I didn't think about it at first, but later on it hit me: There are only about 40 of them in Schaumburg. Where are all those others?"

"I'm not sure what to think, exactly," Koechley continued. "The non-Schaumburg region would have to be huge--the size of two dozen Schaumburgs, at least. Imagine the sheer immensity of it: the number of Old Navys. The number of Applebee's. The Targets stretching from horizon to horizon. It's difficult to comprehend."

For years, Koechley said, he had been subconsciously aware of the possibility of a world outside Schaumburg. But he had not actively considered such a prospect until recently.

"I guess I figured something must be south of Golf Road," Koechley said. "And there must be something beyond the Bed Bath & Beyond store over on Rand. But I never really knew what it could be. I mean, what else is there?"

Further fueling Koechley's suspicions of extra-Schaumburgian life are the many Woodfield Mall stores that incorporate unfamiliar locales in their names, including Boston Store, Lerner New York and San Francisco Music Box Company, as well as a California Pizza Kitchen on the mall's periphery. Also contributing are reports from relatives and co-workers who claim to have vacationed at such places as Disney World, Disneyland and "up north," none of which are streets in Schaumburg.

Unable to concentrate on his cost-analysis work or his nightly sports viewing, Koechley decided to put his question to the experts.

"We appreciate Mr. Koechley's inquiry, but are unable to answer it at this time," said James Jeffries, head of the Schaumburg Zoning Committee. "We have no records on file concerning any non-Schaumburg locations and only have information on bordering communities as it relates to specific Schaumburg-centric issues. I would advise Mr. Koechley to relax and not trouble himself with matters that, after all, have no bearing on him whatsoever."

"I know they're right," Koechley said. "It doesn't matter to me, not in any real sense, when everything that's important to me is right here in Schaumburg. But as perverse and unnatural as it may seem to other Schaumburgers, I guess I'll always have a sort of dim, nagging curiosity about the outside world."

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