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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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School Board Acts To Remove Emotionally Disturbed Students

After a shooting at their high school, a school board in Granton, KS has enacted a new proactive plan for removing emotionally disturbed students from the school before tragedy can strike. The board has defined an emotionally disturbed student as one who:

  • Displays anti-social behavior, such as not playing sports or not clapping along with the cheerleaders during pep rallies
  • Listens to music other than Top 40, whether it be heavy metal, rap, techno, country, or classical
  • Wears clothing that is black or contains strange and disturbing non-Hollister imagery
  • Draws or writes poetry
  • Expresses a megalomaniacal belief that he or she is “smarter” than his classmates

Displaying at least two of the five defined characteristics will result in immediate expulsion.

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