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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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School Board Acts To Remove Emotionally Disturbed Students

After a shooting at their high school, a school board in Granton, KS has enacted a new proactive plan for removing emotionally disturbed students from the school before tragedy can strike. The board has defined an emotionally disturbed student as one who:

  • Displays anti-social behavior, such as not playing sports or not clapping along with the cheerleaders during pep rallies
  • Listens to music other than Top 40, whether it be heavy metal, rap, techno, country, or classical
  • Wears clothing that is black or contains strange and disturbing non-Hollister imagery
  • Draws or writes poetry
  • Expresses a megalomaniacal belief that he or she is “smarter” than his classmates

Displaying at least two of the five defined characteristics will result in immediate expulsion.

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