adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing

Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised difficult ethical questions. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of gene editing.

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
End Of Section
  • More News

School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Two weeks into the new school year, North Platte High School janitor Stan McCurdy's fond memories of his summer as a human being looked upon with dignity and respect have all but slipped away, sources reported Friday. "Now it almost seems like a dream, back in June when I was treated like a real person with the same feelings, worries, and aspirations as anyone else," the man, who for the next nine months will be addressed as "McDirty," said as he bent over to scrub a hardened chunk of feces off the wall of the boys restroom and tried to ignore the group of 14-year-olds who openly pointed at him and laughed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that for three solid months I was surrounded by people who would make eye contact with me, say hello, and smile. Kind smiles, too—no sniggering grins. It was the briefest of experiences, but for a while there, I was Stan McCurdy, person." McCurdy told reporters he keeps a picture of his family's Fourth of July barbecue in his locker to remind him of his time as an actual valued member of the human race.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close