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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Two weeks into the new school year, North Platte High School janitor Stan McCurdy's fond memories of his summer as a human being looked upon with dignity and respect have all but slipped away, sources reported Friday. "Now it almost seems like a dream, back in June when I was treated like a real person with the same feelings, worries, and aspirations as anyone else," the man, who for the next nine months will be addressed as "McDirty," said as he bent over to scrub a hardened chunk of feces off the wall of the boys restroom and tried to ignore the group of 14-year-olds who openly pointed at him and laughed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that for three solid months I was surrounded by people who would make eye contact with me, say hello, and smile. Kind smiles, too—no sniggering grins. It was the briefest of experiences, but for a while there, I was Stan McCurdy, person." McCurdy told reporters he keeps a picture of his family's Fourth of July barbecue in his locker to remind him of his time as an actual valued member of the human race.

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