School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

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Vol 48 Issue 34

Law & Order: D.A.R.E. Unit

NBC 8:00 p.m. EDT/7:00 p.m. CDT In this heart-wrenching episode, Detectives Ollie West and Bailey Swan are forced to arrest a kid who is so addicted to marijuana-smoking that he was rejected by every college he applied to and got caught up in shoplifting...

Annette and Barrett Carnell

Longtime married couple Annette and Barrett Carnell died last night side by side, bickering about who was bleeding out the worst.

Nathan Kroger

Nathan Kroger was crushed by a hay bale, which sounds like it might be light, but this hay bale happened to be extremely heavy.

New Sympathetic Alarm Clock Just Lets You Sleep

A woman is relieved to hear her rape was illegitimate, a 2nd-grade teacher can't believe how much fatter they keep getting, and college roommates continue their bonding process until real friends are made.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Two weeks into the new school year, North Platte High School janitor Stan McCurdy's fond memories of his summer as a human being looked upon with dignity and respect have all but slipped away, sources reported Friday. "Now it almost seems like a dream, back in June when I was treated like a real person with the same feelings, worries, and aspirations as anyone else," the man, who for the next nine months will be addressed as "McDirty," said as he bent over to scrub a hardened chunk of feces off the wall of the boys restroom and tried to ignore the group of 14-year-olds who openly pointed at him and laughed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that for three solid months I was surrounded by people who would make eye contact with me, say hello, and smile. Kind smiles, too—no sniggering grins. It was the briefest of experiences, but for a while there, I was Stan McCurdy, person." McCurdy told reporters he keeps a picture of his family's Fourth of July barbecue in his locker to remind him of his time as an actual valued member of the human race.

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