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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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School Janitor's Summer As Human Already A Distant Memory

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Two weeks into the new school year, North Platte High School janitor Stan McCurdy's fond memories of his summer as a human being looked upon with dignity and respect have all but slipped away, sources reported Friday. "Now it almost seems like a dream, back in June when I was treated like a real person with the same feelings, worries, and aspirations as anyone else," the man, who for the next nine months will be addressed as "McDirty," said as he bent over to scrub a hardened chunk of feces off the wall of the boys restroom and tried to ignore the group of 14-year-olds who openly pointed at him and laughed. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that for three solid months I was surrounded by people who would make eye contact with me, say hello, and smile. Kind smiles, too—no sniggering grins. It was the briefest of experiences, but for a while there, I was Stan McCurdy, person." McCurdy told reporters he keeps a picture of his family's Fourth of July barbecue in his locker to remind him of his time as an actual valued member of the human race.

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