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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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School Of The Arts Aims To Transform Boys And Girls Into Insufferable Young Men And Women

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting that its incoming class of high school freshmen is their most coddled to date, instructors at Chestnut Ridge Academy for the Arts told an education conference this week that its mission is to take bright, precocious boys and girls and transform them into insufferable young adults. “Here at Chestnut Ridge, we are dedicated to providing artistically gifted young people with the resources they need to blossom into entitled, condescending men and women with an inflated sense of self-importance and accomplishment,” Principal Madeleine Healey told conference attendees, noting that the school has already graduated thousands of budding young narcissists with zero sense of shame or perspective. “Of course, many of our students are already immensely smug and self-satisfied when they arrive. But after years of only talking about themselves and receiving undeserved praise from everyone around them, they’ll leave our doors more pompous and unbearable than we ever thought possible.” Healey added that anyone skeptical about the merits of an arts education should examine the school’s track record, as their alumni have gone on to have completely bullshit careers in the arts all over the world.

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