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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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School Principal Pauses For Applause That Never Comes

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—During a speech before Medford Middle School students Tuesday, principal Arthur Morehouse paused for applause that never came. "So let's all join together and show the kind of spirit that made Medford the most academically improved middle school in the entire Williamsport area!" said Morehouse, raising his hands. After three seconds of silence, Morehouse added, "Well, moving on," and proceeded to speak for 20 minutes on the importance of keeping the lunchroom clean.

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