adBlockCheck

School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

BOWLING GREEN, KY—For weeks, 11-year-old Brian Kolodiczek loudly boasted to classmates that he was going to get back at everyone who had caused him problems at school, everyone who had kept him from being popular and successful.

Police officials collect evidence at the scene of Brian Kolodiczek's (inset) deadly, personally fulfilling shooting rampage.

Mission accomplished.

At 1:15 p.m. Monday, Kolodiczek fired two dozen rounds into a helpless crowd assembled on the playground behind Stephen C. Calhoun Elementary School, killing nine students and four teachers, and solving all of the fifth-grader's problems in the process.

"Brian was a troubled young boy. He felt like he didn't fit in with the other kids," school guidance counselor Camille Evans said. "But now that he's killed the classmates who upset him the most, things should be a lot better for him."

Among the slain children was Larry Eichhorn, 11, pronounced dead at the scene. Kolodiczek was reportedly jealous of Eichhorn, who outshone him on the track team. "Larry was faster than Brian and anchored the relay team, and that always made Brian very angry," said track coach Buddy Miller, who shortly after the murder promoted Kolodiczek to relay anchor. "I guess Brian's the fastest now, though."

Critically wounded in the attack was 10-year-old Holly Walsh. According to Walsh's best friend, Monica Reardon, Kolodiczek "really liked Holly, but she would never talk to him. She'd pretend he wasn't there or get me to tell him to leave her alone." Early this morning, in her first statement since the shooting occurred, Walsh said she would "love to go out to a movie" with Kolodiczek as soon as she is released from the hospital.

Calhoun Elementary principal Benjamin Brundage, who had met with Kolodiczek and his parents on numerous occasions over the years, said the boy was "frequently upset about certain teachers who he felt made unreasonable demands of him. In particular, he believed that his math teacher, Evelyn Baird, hated him and wanted him to fail."

Baird was among the four teachers killed in the assault.

"Maybe he'll get along with the new math teacher better," Brundage said. "If so, I think we can expect a big improvement in his grades. If not, he still has the gun."

The other dead faculty members are drama teacher Marcia Crosley, who did not cast Brian in the school play; English teacher Donald Baum, who frequently criticized his penmanship; and social-studies teacher Stephen Reedy, who advised him to "lay off the Nintendo a bit."

Music teacher Stella Hammond, who on May 11 made Brian stand in the back of the class with a tambourine, is in critical condition with a perforated lung.

Experts say Kolodiczek's actions are part of an emerging trend in pre-adolescent behavior, a trend child psychiatrist Owen Green termed "shooting everybody you don't like."

"Brian was bothered by all kinds of things at this school," Green said. "But did he just sit there and complain about it? No. He realized that complaining is not a solution. Instead, he took action. And the results speak for themselves."

Despite the marked improvement in Kolodiczek's situation as a result of the shooting, some are saying that the bloody rampage was no solution at all.

Said assistant principal Patrick Chernin: "Bobby Pratt, a classmate of Brian's who called him 'diaper baby' and made fun of his lunch box, was barely grazed on the leg in the shooting. He'll be back at school tomorrow. And another boy who regularly taunts Brian at his bus stop was absent altogether. Brian's problems have not entirely gone away, I assure you."

Dr. Andrew Goldwyn, one of many grief counselors and specially trained therapists who will be on hand at Calhoun Elementary all next week, said that helping the students come to terms with the death of their friends will be a fairly easy task.

"We will emphasize the positive side of this event—that their classmate Brian has eliminated many sources of pain and annoyance in his life," Goldwyn said. "That's a good thing."

"Hopefully," Goldwyn continued, "a valuable lesson will come out of this shooting. Hopefully, these kids will learn that, like Brian, they too have the power to solve their own problems."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close