School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

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Vol 33 Issue 19

Noxious Minions Of Satan Offer Free Installation Through July

CHICAGO—In an exciting new promotion, the hideous mewling lackeys of the Dark Prince Lucifer are offering free installation of TCI cable to any household responding by July 31. "Act now and get great basic-cable channels like MTV, Nickelodeon and CNN with no installation fee," sniveled TCI customer-service representative Wyrmwort, faithful servant of the Lord Of Lies. "Plus, TCI offers you more great premium channels than ever, from HBO to Cinemax to the biggest blockbuster movies on pay-per-view." Wyrmwort then befouled his body with goat's blood and hailed The Great Deceiver.

Tractor-Pull Fans Begin To Question Whether This Is What Life Is Really About

CLAPP, TN—After attending their fourth such event in as many weeks, several rural Tennesseeans have begun to openly question whether tractor pulls and monster-truck rallies are what life is really all about. "It just seems like life could offer more," said Arlo Taylor, the group's leader. "Books, theater, even simply appreciating the trees and flowers." Said fellow tractor-pull fan Wilbur Spann: "I understand the high-school theater company is performing Steven Sondheim's Into The Woods on Friday. Perhaps that would be a refreshing and enriching change of pace from our frequent pilgrimages to see Robosaurus."

Fugitive Movie Heroine Cuts Own Hair Perfectly

SANTA MONICA, CA—A desperate flight from FBI agents resulted in a knockout new look Tuesday, as fugitive movie heroine Nicole Woodring, crouching in a stranger's backyard tool shed in the dark, cut her long hair into a flattering, salon-quality pixie cut using a pair of rusty hedge shears. "I am extremely impressed," professional hairstylist Blaine Mattson said of the new look. "She looks absolutely gorgeous." The on-the-lam Woodring, who has blonde hair in FBI photos, also managed to dye her hair a stunning chestnut brown using a gallon of Thompson's Deck & Patio Stain found in the shed.

Naked Man Mingles Freely In Locker Room

NOVI, MI—Bally Total Fitness patron Fred Mahorn, 42, took a post-shower stroll through the health club's locker room Monday, casually socializing with fellow members for approximately 15 minutes in a state of total undress. "Hey, nice to see you," Mahorn said to numerous men he happened to pass in the locker room, his flaccid penis and talcum-powdered scrotum in plain view. Most patrons either nodded or pretended they thought he was addressing someone else. The naked Mahorn went on to sit in the most visible spot in the locker room and apply anti-fungal cream to his feet before eventually putting on a towel.

India Opens New Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear-Testing Facility

PORBANDAR, INDIA—Ushering in a new era of nuclear strength in the global theater, India dedicated the $1.6 billion Mohandas K. Gandhi Nuclear Testing Facility at the site of the famed Indian's birthplace Monday. "Gandhi surely would have been proud," said facility director Rajiv Pindar, setting off a ceremonial 25-megaton blast in honor of Gandhi. Visitors to the facility will be welcomed by an enormous bronze statue of Gandhi, who holds aloft an atom in one hand and a missile in the other.

Prize-Fighting In My Day

Do not even begin to describe to me the recent pugilistic matches, because I wish not to hear of them. The fist-fighters of to-day are like babies wheeled about in their perambulators. The great fighters of my youth—Sullivan, Corbett, Kilrain, Kid Ithaca—fought without boxing-gloves and hurled blows that would slay an ox. As an intrepid boy-scribe for the old Mercantile-Onion, I covered my first heavy-weight fisticuff demonstration in 1885, and it remains the most exciting fight I have ever witnessed. The contenders were Alfred "The Strong-Man" Talmadge and Patrick "The Gentle-man Who Hits Other Gentle-men" Reid, two leviathans who drank pain and dined on agony for break-fast. They were vying for a purse of $50 in gold and a fine Guernsey milking-cow.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

BOWLING GREEN, KY—For weeks, 11-year-old Brian Kolodiczek loudly boasted to classmates that he was going to get back at everyone who had caused him problems at school, everyone who had kept him from being popular and successful.

Police officials collect evidence at the scene of Brian Kolodiczek's (inset) deadly, personally fulfilling shooting rampage.

Mission accomplished.

At 1:15 p.m. Monday, Kolodiczek fired two dozen rounds into a helpless crowd assembled on the playground behind Stephen C. Calhoun Elementary School, killing nine students and four teachers, and solving all of the fifth-grader's problems in the process.

"Brian was a troubled young boy. He felt like he didn't fit in with the other kids," school guidance counselor Camille Evans said. "But now that he's killed the classmates who upset him the most, things should be a lot better for him."

Among the slain children was Larry Eichhorn, 11, pronounced dead at the scene. Kolodiczek was reportedly jealous of Eichhorn, who outshone him on the track team. "Larry was faster than Brian and anchored the relay team, and that always made Brian very angry," said track coach Buddy Miller, who shortly after the murder promoted Kolodiczek to relay anchor. "I guess Brian's the fastest now, though."

Critically wounded in the attack was 10-year-old Holly Walsh. According to Walsh's best friend, Monica Reardon, Kolodiczek "really liked Holly, but she would never talk to him. She'd pretend he wasn't there or get me to tell him to leave her alone." Early this morning, in her first statement since the shooting occurred, Walsh said she would "love to go out to a movie" with Kolodiczek as soon as she is released from the hospital.

Calhoun Elementary principal Benjamin Brundage, who had met with Kolodiczek and his parents on numerous occasions over the years, said the boy was "frequently upset about certain teachers who he felt made unreasonable demands of him. In particular, he believed that his math teacher, Evelyn Baird, hated him and wanted him to fail."

Baird was among the four teachers killed in the assault.

"Maybe he'll get along with the new math teacher better," Brundage said. "If so, I think we can expect a big improvement in his grades. If not, he still has the gun."

The other dead faculty members are drama teacher Marcia Crosley, who did not cast Brian in the school play; English teacher Donald Baum, who frequently criticized his penmanship; and social-studies teacher Stephen Reedy, who advised him to "lay off the Nintendo a bit."

Music teacher Stella Hammond, who on May 11 made Brian stand in the back of the class with a tambourine, is in critical condition with a perforated lung.

Experts say Kolodiczek's actions are part of an emerging trend in pre-adolescent behavior, a trend child psychiatrist Owen Green termed "shooting everybody you don't like."

"Brian was bothered by all kinds of things at this school," Green said. "But did he just sit there and complain about it? No. He realized that complaining is not a solution. Instead, he took action. And the results speak for themselves."

Despite the marked improvement in Kolodiczek's situation as a result of the shooting, some are saying that the bloody rampage was no solution at all.

Said assistant principal Patrick Chernin: "Bobby Pratt, a classmate of Brian's who called him 'diaper baby' and made fun of his lunch box, was barely grazed on the leg in the shooting. He'll be back at school tomorrow. And another boy who regularly taunts Brian at his bus stop was absent altogether. Brian's problems have not entirely gone away, I assure you."

Dr. Andrew Goldwyn, one of many grief counselors and specially trained therapists who will be on hand at Calhoun Elementary all next week, said that helping the students come to terms with the death of their friends will be a fairly easy task.

"We will emphasize the positive side of this event—that their classmate Brian has eliminated many sources of pain and annoyance in his life," Goldwyn said. "That's a good thing."

"Hopefully," Goldwyn continued, "a valuable lesson will come out of this shooting. Hopefully, these kids will learn that, like Brian, they too have the power to solve their own problems."

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