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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications

MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with Introduction to Communications, an undemanding survey class regarded almost universally as an excellent way to pad one's grade-point average. "This sad event, which would be tragic under any circumstances, is that much more so because it was brought about by the most obvious blow-off course in our entire curriculum," said Dean of Students Paul Shelton, noting that instructor Lawrence Deacon basically awards everyone a B-plus "just for showing up." "Had this poor young woman held out a little longer, she would no doubt have realized that the final for the class is a take-home exam with one really easy question you can bullshit your way through in about 20 minutes." Shelton urged all students struggling with stress to take advantage of the school's counseling services, which are available free of charge and can even help with anxiety related to classes where you pretty much watch movies all day.

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