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Priebus Grateful He Had So Little Dignity To Begin With

WASHINGTON—Taking stock of his present circumstances as he packed up his belongings and exited the West Wing after being pushed out of office by the president of the United States, former White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus expressed a sense of gratitude Friday that he had so little dignity to begin with.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications

MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with Introduction to Communications, an undemanding survey class regarded almost universally as an excellent way to pad one's grade-point average. "This sad event, which would be tragic under any circumstances, is that much more so because it was brought about by the most obvious blow-off course in our entire curriculum," said Dean of Students Paul Shelton, noting that instructor Lawrence Deacon basically awards everyone a B-plus "just for showing up." "Had this poor young woman held out a little longer, she would no doubt have realized that the final for the class is a take-home exam with one really easy question you can bullshit your way through in about 20 minutes." Shelton urged all students struggling with stress to take advantage of the school's counseling services, which are available free of charge and can even help with anxiety related to classes where you pretty much watch movies all day.

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