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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications

MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with Introduction to Communications, an undemanding survey class regarded almost universally as an excellent way to pad one's grade-point average. "This sad event, which would be tragic under any circumstances, is that much more so because it was brought about by the most obvious blow-off course in our entire curriculum," said Dean of Students Paul Shelton, noting that instructor Lawrence Deacon basically awards everyone a B-plus "just for showing up." "Had this poor young woman held out a little longer, she would no doubt have realized that the final for the class is a take-home exam with one really easy question you can bullshit your way through in about 20 minutes." Shelton urged all students struggling with stress to take advantage of the school's counseling services, which are available free of charge and can even help with anxiety related to classes where you pretty much watch movies all day.

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