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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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School Surprised To Learn Student Committed Suicide Over Pressures Of Intro To Communications

MEDFORD, MA—Students and faculty of Tufts University expressed shock Tuesday upon learning that freshman Jennifer Vance took her life due to pressures associated with Introduction to Communications, an undemanding survey class regarded almost universally as an excellent way to pad one's grade-point average. "This sad event, which would be tragic under any circumstances, is that much more so because it was brought about by the most obvious blow-off course in our entire curriculum," said Dean of Students Paul Shelton, noting that instructor Lawrence Deacon basically awards everyone a B-plus "just for showing up." "Had this poor young woman held out a little longer, she would no doubt have realized that the final for the class is a take-home exam with one really easy question you can bullshit your way through in about 20 minutes." Shelton urged all students struggling with stress to take advantage of the school's counseling services, which are available free of charge and can even help with anxiety related to classes where you pretty much watch movies all day.

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