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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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School Teacher Not About To Risk Her Life For Derek

CLARKSVILLE, TN—Saying she felt no responsibility whatsoever to protect the 14-year-old student if it meant dying for the kid, local East Parkview High School history teacher Angela Wells told reporters today that in the event of a school shooting, she would likely not risk her own life to save that of freshman Derek Madison. “If it ever came down to it, there’s no way I’d jump in front of a gunman for that kid—I’m sorry, but he’s always late, he talks constantly during class, and frankly, he’s a poor student,” said Wells, who added that she “wouldn’t think twice” before shielding any other student with her own body. “Look, I have a husband and two children. I’m not going to sacrifice all that for someone who enjoys carving the word ‘faggot’ into desks with the sharp end of a compass. If we’re talking about Albert, Jessica, Carolyn, or Rodrigo, that’s a totally different story. But Derek? I just can’t see myself doing that.” Wells later added that if Derek were standing among a group of students being threatened by a gunman, she would strongly consider “just sacrificing the whole bunch of them.”

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