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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume

NEW YORK—In a new autobiography published Monday, action star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to many indiscretions that strained his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver, including a steamy extramarital affair with the costume from the 1987 action movie Predator. “From the moment I arrived on set and saw that Predator costume hanging in the prop closet, there was this intense sexual energy between us, and truth be told, I couldn’t keep my hands off it,” Schwarzenegger writes on page 266 of Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, explaining that his relationship with the 200-pound suit was “purely physical.” “The minute the cameras stopped and the stuntman inside the costume got out of it, I’d take the suit back to my trailer and have my way with it. Those rubber dreadlocks and polyurethane fangs really turned me on. At night, I’d sneak back into the wardrobe department so we could do it all over again.” Schwarzenegger added that along with the Predator costume, he also had affairs with the set of Mars from Total Recall, the computer used to render the shiny alloy puddle from Terminator 2, and Twins co-star Danny DeVito.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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