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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Schwarzenegger Admits To Affair With Predator Costume

NEW YORK—In a new autobiography published Monday, action star and former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to many indiscretions that strained his 25-year marriage to Maria Shriver, including a steamy extramarital affair with the costume from the 1987 action movie Predator. “From the moment I arrived on set and saw that Predator costume hanging in the prop closet, there was this intense sexual energy between us, and truth be told, I couldn’t keep my hands off it,” Schwarzenegger writes on page 266 of Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story, explaining that his relationship with the 200-pound suit was “purely physical.” “The minute the cameras stopped and the stuntman inside the costume got out of it, I’d take the suit back to my trailer and have my way with it. Those rubber dreadlocks and polyurethane fangs really turned me on. At night, I’d sneak back into the wardrobe department so we could do it all over again.” Schwarzenegger added that along with the Predator costume, he also had affairs with the set of Mars from Total Recall, the computer used to render the shiny alloy puddle from Terminator 2, and Twins co-star Danny DeVito.

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