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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Sci-Fi Fans Argue The Better Of Two As-Yet-Unreleased Films

TULSA, OK— Science-fiction fans Pete Carver and Matthew Wynne disagreed sharply Monday on the relative merits of Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone and The Fellowship Of The Ring, neither of which hits theaters for months. "The storyboards for the Quidditch tournament I saw on this one web site look terrible," said the pro-Tolkien Carver. "There's no way that scene can be better than I've heard the Balrog one is." Wynne countered that the set design for the Great Hall of Hogwarts set "will completely blow away" that of the Mines of Moria.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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