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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends

UPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the Social Sciences announced Monday that sexual contact is a genetic accident, and men and women originally evolved to just be good buds. "Using DNA evidence unavailable until the completed mapping of the human genome, we can now definitively state that the two genders were never meant to do anything more than hang out with each other platonically as pals," said noted evolutionary scientist Dr. Janet Karberg, adding that humans are genetically hardwired in such a way that getting involved romantically can only "ruin everything" between two people. "The true biological imperative of male and female humans is to enjoy long-lasting friendships that don't get bogged down in attraction or sexual tension in any way." Ideally, the report stated, men and women should just go to dinner or the movies every few weeks, hug at most, and then return home to masturbate in solitude.

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