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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Science Confirms Men and Women Never Meant To Be More Than Friends

UPPSALA, SWEDEN—In a shocking reversal of thousands of years of thinking on human reproduction, researchers at the Swedish Collegium for Advanced Study in the Social Sciences announced Monday that sexual contact is a genetic accident, and men and women originally evolved to just be good buds. “Using DNA evidence unavailable until the completed mapping of the human genome, we can now definitively state that the two genders were never meant to do anything more than hang out with each other platonically as pals,” said noted evolutionary scientist Dr. Janet Karberg, adding that humans are genetically hardwired in such a way that getting involved romantically can only “ruin everything” between two people. “The true biological imperative of male and female humans is to enjoy long-lasting friendships that don’t get bogged down in attraction or sexual tension in any way.” Ideally, the report stated, men and women should just go to dinner or the movies every few weeks, hug at most, and then return home to masturbate in solitude.

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