After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Science Fiction Writer Admits Unstoppable Killing Machine Based On Mother

SEATTLE—At a book signing Tuesday, science fiction writer Ryan Lowell shocked fans when he confessed that the 300-ton, multi-tentacled, indestructible killer robot in his debut novel, Mind Games, was actually modeled on his own mother, 56-year-old Margaret Lowell of Wichita, KS.

"I drew heavily on my mom for a few chapters, including the initial invasion that leaves thousands smothered to death in downtown New York, and the destructive rampage on Washington that takes place during Christmas morning," said Lowell, 28, of the book's "cold, emotionless" main character. "Also, that thing about the robot drawing power from the synthesized blood of its human victims—that's based on her as well."

Lowell said that he did take a number of artistic freedoms while writing his tale, especially with the ending, in which the unstoppable killing machine is "totally encouraging and supportive of the novel's protagonist, Brian, an aspiring writer and only child."

After Birth

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