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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for showing his ninth-grade students the 1990 sci-fi action-adventure Total Recall. "Much of the film takes place on Mars, the fourth planet from our sun, which may have once supported microscopic life," said Merchant, who was also unable to adequately explain why he used four full class periods on the 119-minute film. "And of course, there's the three-breasted prostitute. That is an excellent lesson in genetic mutation, which many of our students will learn about in AP biology next year." Merchant refused to comment on rumors that the upcoming section on photosynthesis will consist of a screening of Little Shop Of Horrors.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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