WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue.
SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for showing his ninth-grade students the 1990 sci-fi action-adventure Total Recall. "Much of the film takes place on Mars, the fourth planet from our sun, which may have once supported microscopic life," said Merchant, who was also unable to adequately explain why he used four full class periods on the 119-minute film. "And of course, there's the three-breasted prostitute. That is an excellent lesson in genetic mutation, which many of our students will learn about in AP biology next year." Merchant refused to comment on rumors that the upcoming section on photosynthesis will consist of a screening of Little Shop Of Horrors.