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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Science Teacher Struggles To Justify Showing Total Recall

SOUTH BELOIT, IL—South Beloit High School biology teacher Nathan Merchant struggled Tuesday to provide a satisfactory educational reason for showing his ninth-grade students the 1990 sci-fi action-adventure Total Recall. "Much of the film takes place on Mars, the fourth planet from our sun, which may have once supported microscopic life," said Merchant, who was also unable to adequately explain why he used four full class periods on the 119-minute film. "And of course, there's the three-breasted prostitute. That is an excellent lesson in genetic mutation, which many of our students will learn about in AP biology next year." Merchant refused to comment on rumors that the upcoming section on photosynthesis will consist of a screening of Little Shop Of Horrors.

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