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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles

WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that stars, the celestial bodies that represent the fundamental building blocks of galaxies, are composed primarily of twinkles. “When we look up at the night sky, all we see are tiny dots of light, but in reality these luminous interstellar objects are made up of trillions and trillions of tiny twinkles,” said lead researcher Professor Paul Denton, who added that each twinkle itself contains billions of small twinkle fractals all held together by the forces of gravity. “Moreover, the twinkles we observe with the naked eye are in fact twinkles that twinkled millions of years ago that are only now visible from earth.” Researchers added that twinkles are very pretty and sparkly.

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