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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles

WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that stars, the celestial bodies that represent the fundamental building blocks of galaxies, are composed primarily of twinkles. “When we look up at the night sky, all we see are tiny dots of light, but in reality these luminous interstellar objects are made up of trillions and trillions of tiny twinkles,” said lead researcher Professor Paul Denton, who added that each twinkle itself contains billions of small twinkle fractals all held together by the forces of gravity. “Moreover, the twinkles we observe with the naked eye are in fact twinkles that twinkled millions of years ago that are only now visible from earth.” Researchers added that twinkles are very pretty and sparkly.

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