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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Scientific Breakthrough Reveals Stars Consist Primarily Of Twinkles

WASHINGTON—In a breakthrough study that experts say completely reshapes our understanding of the cosmos, a team of astrophysicists at Oxford University have discovered that stars, the celestial bodies that represent the fundamental building blocks of galaxies, are composed primarily of twinkles. “When we look up at the night sky, all we see are tiny dots of light, but in reality these luminous interstellar objects are made up of trillions and trillions of tiny twinkles,” said lead researcher Professor Paul Denton, who added that each twinkle itself contains billions of small twinkle fractals all held together by the forces of gravity. “Moreover, the twinkles we observe with the naked eye are in fact twinkles that twinkled millions of years ago that are only now visible from earth.” Researchers added that twinkles are very pretty and sparkly.

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