adBlockCheck

Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Scientific Community Baffled By Man Whose Waist 32 With Some Pants, 33 With Others

All existing scientific models predict Holland’s size 33 jeans should be roomier than his size 32 Dockers, but puzzled researchers say both pairs fit “perfectly.”
All existing scientific models predict Holland’s size 33 jeans should be roomier than his size 32 Dockers, but puzzled researchers say both pairs fit “perfectly.”

PHILADELPHIA—An international team of scientists reported this week that they remain completely mystified by Lancaster, PA resident Brandon Holland, a man who inexplicably wears a size 32 in some pants and a size 33 in others.

Dr. Alan Nolan, a biophysicist at Drexel University who has led research efforts into the puzzling phenomenon, told reporters that systematic observation and data analysis have failed to adequately explain how the subject could possibly fit into size 32 jeans mere moments after comfortably wearing a pair of size 33 khakis. According to Nolan, a broad array of hypotheses, ranging from Holland wearing a belt with the size 33s to Holland ingesting a large quantity of food or drink between putting on the size 32 and 33 pants, have all been ruled out, leaving the research team at a complete loss.

“For 16 months, we’ve painstakingly conducted a battery of tests using every conceivable variety of pants, and we still haven’t determined how the same man could fit into slacks with a waist of 32 as well as trousers in 33,” said Nolan, confirming that the two differently sized pants were neither too tight nor too loose on Holland, with both sitting comfortably about his waist without any need to be adjusted or periodically pulled up. “Our test subject is truly a scientific marvel. We’ve held double-blind clinical trials and somehow produced the same results time and time again. The 33-inch chinos from the Gap were even a little snug compared to 32-inch pleated Dockers.”

“It defies physical law,” added Nolan. “This is completely shifting our fundamental understanding of pants.”

Nolan confirmed that the team of scientists tested various jeans, khakis, and corduroys against a pair of control pants, a size 28 from Kohl’s, which consistently did not fit the subject in any trial. According to the researcher, the control pants created a baseline for the experiments and proved the validity of tests in which pants with a 32-inch waist and 33-inch waist were administered to Holland and carefully examined for comfiness, tightness around the hips and thigh, and the subject’s ability to zip and button the fly without having to suck in.

Throughout their rigorous pants testing, the researchers said they closely monitored Holland’s weight, pelvic density, body mass index, and fluid retention, but detected no inconstancy in the subject’s physiology that might skew the reliability of the results.

During a separate six-month-long investigation, the scientists confirmed that they carefully scrutinized the labels on the pants thousands of times and contacted manufacturers to verify that the numbers on the pants indeed indicated the pants’ size.

“Despite widespread speculation among members of the scientific community that the pants may have been mislabeled, researchers have eliminated that possibility with a 99.9 percent certainty,” said a visibly shaken Nolan. “We did remove a pair of cargo pants from the trials, however, because the drawstrings produced misleading data.”

“Perhaps even more baffling is that the subject maintained a constant 30-inch inseam,” continued Nolan. “Unfortunately, modern science offers no answers on this particular phenomenon.”

In another shocking discovery that rocked the scientific community, researchers found that the same subject appeared to inexplicably slim down while wearing shirts with vertical stripes.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close