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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Scientists Announce Shrimp Just As Dumb As They Thought

WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying that their findings came as no big shock to anyone, scientists from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution confirmed Wednesday that shrimp are just as dumb as they always thought. “Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take many tests to prove that our initial hypothesis was correct—shrimp are pretty fucking stupid,” said biologist and lead researcher Timothy Morris, noting his team’s utter lack of astonishment that something that small and that dumb-looking didn’t have anything going on upstairs. “I mean, it’s not exactly a revelation that floating around and eating stuff off the ocean floor requires very little cognitive ability. If anything, shrimp are slightly stupider than we suspected at first, which, believe me, was very stupid.” Morris added that the scientists were now moving on to assess the physical strength of shrimp, which they said, at this point, was totally unknown.

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