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Science & Technology

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence

As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

NASA Moon Mission

Last week, scientists at NASA announced that they will send a manned spacecraft to the moon by the year 2018. Here are some of their plans for the mission:

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Scientists Ask Congress To Fund $50 Billion Science Thing

WASHINGTON, DC—Top physicists from several major American universities appeared before a Congressional committee Monday to request $50 billion for a science thing that would further U.S. advancement science-wise and broaden human knowing.

"The [science thing] will make valuable inroads into our ultimate understanding of how [atoms and quarks move around and so on]." David Kaminski, Caltech Physicist

The scientists spoke for approximately three hours about the complicated science machine, which is expensive, and large, telling members of the House Committee on Science and Technology that the tubular, gamma-ray-using mechanism is vital in some big way. Yet the high price tag of the thing, which would be built on a 40-square-mile plot of land where the science would ultimately occur, remained a pressing question.

"While expense is something to consider, I think it's very important that we have this kind of scientific apparatus, because, in the end, I have always said that science is more important than it is unimportant," Committee chairman Rep. Bart Gordon (D-TN) said. "And it's essential we stay ahead of China, Japan, and Germany in science. We are ahead in space, with the NASA rockets going to other planets, so we should be ahead in science too."

According to the scientists, the electromagnetic science-maker will make atoms move and spin around very quickly, though spectators at the hearing said afterward they could not account for how one could get some atoms to move around faster than other ones if everything is made of atoms anyway. In addition, the scientists said that the device would be several miles in circumference, which puzzled onlookers who had long assumed that atoms were tiny. Despite these apparent inconsistencies, the scientists, in Rep. Gordon's words, appeared "very smart-sounding" and confident that their big spinner would solve some kind of problem they described.

The highlight of the scientists' testimony was a series of several colorful diagrams of how the big machine would work. One consisted of colored dots resembling Skittles banging into one another. Noting the motion lines behind the circle-ball things, committee members surmised that they were slamming together in a "fast, forceful manner." Yet some expressed doubts as to whether they justified the $50 billion price tag.

"These scientists could trim $10 million if they would just cut out some of the purple and blue spheres," said Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD), explaining that he understood the need for an abundance of reds and greens. "With all of those molecules and atoms going in every direction, the whole thing looks a bit unorganized, especially for science."

Another diagram presented to lawmakers contained several important squiggly lines, numbers, and letters. Despite not being numbers, the letters were reportedly meant to represent mathematics too. The scientists seemed to believe that correct math was what would help make the science thing go.

The scientists concluded their presentation by informing the committee that, if constructed correctly, the super science-flyer would be able to answer questions about many, many things, mainly stuff about the universe that sounded like it would be very good to know about.

"Now, I'm no science major, but if I'm being told by a group of people that the protons, neutrons, and electrons need unifying, then I think we owe it to the American people to go in and unify them," Rep. Mark Udall (D-CO) said. "After all, isn't a message of unity what we want to send to our children?"

Still, some committee members were not as convinced, saying that the building of a micro-macro isotope-making science generator should not be a top priority.

"Fifty billion dollars to buy atoms is too much," Rep. Tom Feeney (R-FL) said. "Frankly, I don't understand why they don't just gather up all the leftover atoms in their test tubes and Bunsen burners. I think the scientists should have to use those up before getting new ones."

The scientists remained hopeful that their federal funding will be approved.

"The congressmen appeared receptive to what we were saying, and I think that we made a very convincing case as to why we need a [science gadget] of this magnitude on American soil," said Caltech physicist David Kaminski, who added various other scientific information. "[Some complicated physics-related act] would be possible in our lifetime only through the creation of a [science thing]."

More from this section

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

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