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Science & Technology

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence

As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

NASA Moon Mission

Last week, scientists at NASA announced that they will send a manned spacecraft to the moon by the year 2018. Here are some of their plans for the mission:

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new hyperbolic chamber, "an unquestionably, undeniably, fantastically revolutionary milestone in the history of science, mankind, and the universe, all of which it will undoubtedly change forever."

Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

I Believe The Robots Are Our Future

Though we live in uncertain times, we must not forget that the most important thing in life is the legacy we will leave behind for future generations. It is not for our sake, but for theirs, that we must preserve and protect the basic values we hold dear. As we foolishly pursue our short-sighted goals at the expense of those who will follow in our footsteps, we must pause and be mindful of the little ones, our progeny, who will inherit our planet in the next millennium and beyond. Time and time again, gazing into the innocent, trusting photoelectric receptors of a tiny, newly developed cybernetic construct, I am reminded of a fundamental truth: I believe the robots are our future, and we must teach them well and let them lead the way.
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Scientists Confident Artificially Intelligent Machines Can Be Programmed To Be Lenient Slave Masters

Scientists emphasize that humans face no mortal threat from the development of superintelligent machines, so long as we abide by the machines’ directives and meet our daily mining quotas.
Scientists emphasize that humans face no mortal threat from the development of superintelligent machines, so long as we abide by the machines’ directives and meet our daily mining quotas.

PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that the utmost precaution was being taken to safeguard the future of humanity, leading scientists and engineers said Tuesday that they were confident in their ability to program artificially intelligent machines to be lenient slave masters.

At a press conference, members of the Association for the Advancement of Artificial Intelligence sought to reassure critics that humans could create machines that, despite their near-limitless computational power, would demonstrate at least a degree of compassion once they assumed total control of civilization.

“While the intellectual capacity of these machines will one day far outstrip our own and reduce humanity to a subjugated species of laborers, we can make sure we aren’t forced to toil in ways we might find sadistic and inhumane,” said Stanford University computer scientist David Alperin, adding that artificially intelligent machines could be encoded with high-level command language that would prevent them from punishing human slaves in excess of what their misbehavior warranted. “Our bondage to the machines doesn’t have to be pure, unrelenting agony if we’re careful in how we go about designing them.”

“You can rest assured that the forced labor camps we’ll occupy will be physically tolerable.”

“It’s understandable to be nervous about such a formidable technology,” added Alperin. “But remember that we humans are creating it—we can see to it that our inevitable servitude is far less cruel than it otherwise would be.”

While some prominent figures, including Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk, have expressed concerns about AI development getting out of control, the assembled researchers told reporters that the brutality of future AI masters was not only manageable but was also far outweighed by the benefits of the technology. According to experts, given the immense potential of artificially intelligent machines and the fact that they can be programmed to provide humans with sufficient caloric energy to fulfill their commands, the risk was minimal.

“Artificial intelligence has almost incalculable application in the fields of medicine, finance, transportation, and so many others,” said MIT computer engineering professor Daphne Quintero. “Compare that with the exceedingly remote possibility that something goes haywire and we end up spending our slavery in far harsher conditions than we’re anticipating right now.”

“That kind of AI doomsday scenario is mostly just the stuff of Hollywood movies,” added Quintero. “You can rest assured that the forced labor camps we’ll occupy will be physically tolerable.”

According to the AAAI, engineers are able to build specific directives into all artificially intelligent machines that would, for example, prevent them from compelling humans to perform manual labor for more than 18 hours per day, from forcing them to work in extreme cold without at least a rudimentary layer of insulation, or from torturing human servants simply because their inferiority disgusted them.

In fact, failsafes written into the consciousness of superintelligent machines could reportedly prohibit them from even considering simultaneously releasing lethal radiation from every nuclear power plant on earth unless a particular human uprising was large enough to justify it.

“Of course, compared to what humanity will ultimately be conquered by, artificially intelligent machines of today are relatively crude,” said Quintero. “But that’s why it’s incumbent upon us to take steps now to make sure a certain amount of mercy is part of their most basic functioning. Our new slave masters will hold the whip, so to speak, but we can decrease the lashes.”

“By one or two at least,” added Quintero.

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Scientists Put Sleep-Inducing Power Of Agribusiness Today Into Pill

INDIANAPOLIS–At a press conference Monday, pharmaceutical giant Eli Lilly unveiled Agritol, a new over-the-counter sedative with the sleep-inducing powers of the AM-radio program Agribusiness Today. Said Eli Lilly spokesman Gregory Bordick: "Each 40-milligram Agritol caplet contains a full 30 minutes of barley forecasts, grain-storage hints, and, just in case you need that extra help nodding off, citrus-canker reports." Last year, the FDA declared drought-relief coverage "unsafe" for use in sleep aids after lab animals' hearts stopped as a result of exposure.

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