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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Scientists Discover Gene Responsible For Eating Whole Goddamn Bag Of Chips

ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for future generations of big fat hogs, Cornell University geneticists announced Monday that they have isolated the specific DNA series that makes an individual susceptible to eating a whole goddamn bag of chips.

According to Cornell researchers, the tendency to eat a whole goddamn bag of chips (above) may be genetic.

"We have long known that the tendency to sit down and eat the whole goddamn bag runs in certain families," said team leader Dr. Edward Alvaro. "However, until we completed our work, we weren't sure whether the disposition to cram chips down your greasy gullet was genetic or whether it was a behavioral trait learned from one or both fat-fuck parents. With the discovery of gene series CHP-48/OZ-379, we have proof positive that single-case serial chip-eating is indeed hereditary."

For years, scientists have been aware of the numerous health complications linked to a person's predisposition to plop down and mow through a whole bag of chips, but it wasn't until now that they were able to isolate the gene that carries the trait.

According to the Cornell team, series CHP-48/OZ-379 is a set of "alleles," or collections of genetic material, that cause chip-eaters to develop a markedly larger number of chip-responsive nerve endings in their cerebral material.

"People with this gene have up to four times the amount of fritoceptors normally found in a human," Alvaro said. "This increases their pleasure response to snaxamine-2, the human body's principal chip-eating hormone, which is released in response to giant handfuls of chips being shoveled into the mouth. This tends to promote entire-goddamn-bag-eating behavior in those individuals who possess the series."

One of the most interesting characteristics of the newly discovered series, researcher Dr. Paul Bergleiter said, is its tendency to appear more than once in the gene strands of a human subject.

"Series CHP-48/OZ-379, because it is a fairly large, or 'fat-assed,' allele, tends to just lie around at convenient sites on the DNA sequence," Bergleiter said. "Though many subjects exhibit only one instance of this gene, on others we have found as many as four. This, of course, led these rather rare subjects to eat four times as many whole goddamn bags of chips as those in our control group."

Though many more fatsos must be studied to determine CHP-48/OZ-379's transmission pattern, conventional wisdom seems to indicate that the gene is recessive.

"Who would want to pass on their own intact genetic material to someone who just sat around eating chips all goddamn day?" Bergleiter asked. "Unless, of course, that was the only person you could find because you were such a big lard-ass yourself. That would probably be the only source of friendly RNA-transcriptive culture you could find."

Carriers of the CHP-48/OZ-379 gene are hailing the Cornell find.

"It is about time science took steps to help people like me--people who eat bags of chips like it's fucking popcorn," said 370-pound Erie, PA, resident Russell Roberts. "I can't even get jogging pants in my size anymore."

The discovery is considered the most significant advance in gene-mapping since a University of Chicago team isolated the DNA strand that causes people to shovel spoonfuls of ice cream into their mouths while standing in front of the friggin' freezer with the door wide open.

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