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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of the perfect little out-of-the-way place. "Verbal data collected from Mary Watkiss, a secretary in MIT's Physics Building, indicated the presence of a great new lunch cafe in the region of Fourth Street and Huron," said MIT team leader Dr. John Penrose. "Intrigued, we launched a probe into the structure. Within an hour, we received evidence of a $5.99 pasta primavera dish, a delicious caesar's salad with homemade bleu cheese dressing, and a light, flaky raspberry torte." In the wake of the discovery, a manned mission of 10 scientists will voyage to the cafe Wednesday to collect actual food samples and closely observe the eatery's stylish, relaxed interior, which feels more spacious than it is. In honor of the secretary who made the discovery, MIT has named the new eatery "Watkiss Alpha Prime," despite the insistence of the cafe's manager that the establishment is already named "Salads 'n' More."

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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