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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Scientists Discover Third Cindy Crawford Facial Expression

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The international scientific and high-fashion communities were rocked Monday by the discovery of a third facial expression on high-profile supermodel Cindy Crawford.

MIT model of the theoretical third face, developed in 1991.

The new expression, a slight variation on one of the two previously known Crawford faces, had existed only as a computer-generated theoretical construct until Monday, when a team of MIT scientists definitively proved its existence.

MIT research heads Dr. Roland Eisenheutz and Dr. Deng Mo Pan discovered the expression after meticulously sifting through over 75,000 photographs of Crawford. The finding confirmed a 1991 theory developed by Stanford researcher Milton Standish, who, after exhaustive computer analysis of Crawford's facial musculature, postulated the existence of a third, "latent" expression hidden behind the other two.

The discovery marks the first new supermodel facial expression since University of Chicago physicist Richard Feynman isolated Lauren Hutton's "aloof pout" in 1974.

Crawford's two previously known facial expressions—the sexy "winning smile," a dazzling, white-toothed grin conveying confidence and sass, and the equally alluring "sultry glance," a smoky, heavy-lidded variation on the across-the-room stare—are well-known within scientific circles for their ability to stop men dead in their tracks. The existence of a third expression, however, has until now been limited to mere conjecture.

MIT scientists describe the new expression as similar to Crawford's regular smile, but with subtle differences caused by "subatomic traces of sincerity, modesty, humility and depth" that may go unnoticed by the layman, but can be clearly detected via computer analysis.

First-ever photographic evidence confirming the theory.

Scientists do not expect the new facial expression to be visible again until June 2012.

"We are pleased to announce that the third facial expression, relative to the other two, appears to be equally beautiful," Eisenheutz told reporters. "I would very much like to kiss any one of Miss Crawford's three gorgeous faces. I am a man of science, but I am also, if you follow my meaning, a man."

Research was often difficult, the scientists said, due to the fact that Crawford's facial structure, even in digitized, mathematical form, often exceeded their equipment's "prettiness" threshold.

"She's so hot, she makes the fish in the bowl hot," Deng said.

After a long pause, Deng added: "Please excuse the adolescent, sexually awkward wording of my previous statement. As a scientist, I am admittedly unfamiliar with situations involving women of such staggering beauty."

In the wake of Monday's discovery, it is speculated that Crawford's facial musculature holds the potential for a fourth, or "ugly" face, such as would exist early in the morning or under conditions of stress-induced moodiness. But such a theory, scientists say, is unprovable within the theoretical limits of modern science.

"Huegelwatt's Second Law of Supermodel Inaccessibility makes the gathering of the data necessary to prove such a theory an impossibility," MIT's Gunter Flint said.

Because of their find, Eisenheutz and Deng are considered front-runners for this year's Nobel Prize for Cindics. Funding for MIT's much-discussed $40 million Supercooled Supermodel Superconductor may also be forthcoming as a result.

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