adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Discover Third Cindy Crawford Facial Expression

CAMBRIDGE, MA—The international scientific and high-fashion communities were rocked Monday by the discovery of a third facial expression on high-profile supermodel Cindy Crawford.

MIT model of the theoretical third face, developed in 1991.

The new expression, a slight variation on one of the two previously known Crawford faces, had existed only as a computer-generated theoretical construct until Monday, when a team of MIT scientists definitively proved its existence.

MIT research heads Dr. Roland Eisenheutz and Dr. Deng Mo Pan discovered the expression after meticulously sifting through over 75,000 photographs of Crawford. The finding confirmed a 1991 theory developed by Stanford researcher Milton Standish, who, after exhaustive computer analysis of Crawford's facial musculature, postulated the existence of a third, "latent" expression hidden behind the other two.

The discovery marks the first new supermodel facial expression since University of Chicago physicist Richard Feynman isolated Lauren Hutton's "aloof pout" in 1974.

Crawford's two previously known facial expressions—the sexy "winning smile," a dazzling, white-toothed grin conveying confidence and sass, and the equally alluring "sultry glance," a smoky, heavy-lidded variation on the across-the-room stare—are well-known within scientific circles for their ability to stop men dead in their tracks. The existence of a third expression, however, has until now been limited to mere conjecture.

MIT scientists describe the new expression as similar to Crawford's regular smile, but with subtle differences caused by "subatomic traces of sincerity, modesty, humility and depth" that may go unnoticed by the layman, but can be clearly detected via computer analysis.

First-ever photographic evidence confirming the theory.

Scientists do not expect the new facial expression to be visible again until June 2012.

"We are pleased to announce that the third facial expression, relative to the other two, appears to be equally beautiful," Eisenheutz told reporters. "I would very much like to kiss any one of Miss Crawford's three gorgeous faces. I am a man of science, but I am also, if you follow my meaning, a man."

Research was often difficult, the scientists said, due to the fact that Crawford's facial structure, even in digitized, mathematical form, often exceeded their equipment's "prettiness" threshold.

"She's so hot, she makes the fish in the bowl hot," Deng said.

After a long pause, Deng added: "Please excuse the adolescent, sexually awkward wording of my previous statement. As a scientist, I am admittedly unfamiliar with situations involving women of such staggering beauty."

In the wake of Monday's discovery, it is speculated that Crawford's facial musculature holds the potential for a fourth, or "ugly" face, such as would exist early in the morning or under conditions of stress-induced moodiness. But such a theory, scientists say, is unprovable within the theoretical limits of modern science.

"Huegelwatt's Second Law of Supermodel Inaccessibility makes the gathering of the data necessary to prove such a theory an impossibility," MIT's Gunter Flint said.

Because of their find, Eisenheutz and Deng are considered front-runners for this year's Nobel Prize for Cindics. Funding for MIT's much-discussed $40 million Supercooled Supermodel Superconductor may also be forthcoming as a result.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close