Scientists Discover Wrinkle In Time-Life Continuum

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Vol 32 Issue 07

Airline Food Under Fire From Area Comedian

ROYAL OAK, MI—The airline industry is reeling following a scathing indictment of its in-flight cuisine Saturday by stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli. "How about that chicken breast? It tastes like Wayne Gretzky ought to be shooting it on goal," said Campanelli, publicly blasting the food served by major air carriers in a speech delivered at the House O' Yuks in Royal Oak. "Guys," added Campanelli, addressing the nation's pilots, "you've got the planes. Fly in some fresh ingredients!" No airline has yet issued a response.

Sales Disappointing For First-Ever Hustler Swimsuit Issue

LOS ANGELES—Spokespersons for Larry Flynt Publications are scrambling to explain the poor sales of Hustler magazine's first annual swimsuit issue, crammed from cover to cover with beautiful young women modeling the latest sexy swimwear. "We are utterly baffled," LFP public relations director Kenneth Micklos said of the issue, which sold 17 newsstand copies nationwide. "Our readership demographic is overwhelmingly heterosexual and male, with a strong interest in looking at beautiful women. It's a mystery."

Rwanda Gets Plant

KIGALI, RWANDA—Wracked by years of famine and political unrest, Rwanda bought a plant in an effort to "brighten things up."

U.S. Agriculture Secretary: 'Aw, Let's Not Do Farming Anymore'

DES MOINES, IA—Citing the massive economic woes plaguing the nation's farmers and the severe physical hardship of farming itself, U.S. Secretary of Agriculture Dan Glickman announced Monday that he would like to "forget about the whole farming thing altogether."

Local Dad Gets This Show On The Road

ASHEVILLE, NC—Citing an abundance of great things to do in Virginia Beach and a limited amount of time in which to do them, area husband and father of three Ed Minton strongly urged his family to get this show on the road Friday. "Let's go, let's go, let's go," said Minton, eager to get his wife and children into their Dodge Caravan and begin a "super-duper fun" family weekend getaway. After a 40-minute delay, the show finally got on the road at approximately 2 p.m., when Minton's wife and children finally decided to chop-chop.

Bluesman Announces 12-Bar Delay In Bringing It On Home

CHICAGO—Area bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson announced plans late Saturday to extend his rendition of the Robert Johnson standard "Dust My Broom" by an additional 12 bars before recapitulating the chorus and bringing it on home.

Merry Zweibelmas To You!

The season of the Zweibelmas-tide is upon us at long last! Only a few shopping-days remain before Sept. 21, the glorious and solemn Day of the Zweibelmas itself. Several months ago in this space I advised my readers to begin preparations for this most holy and auspicious event, which celebrates all things Zweibel. Well, now it is time to behead the fatted ox, eat blood-pudding, and grease the staircase! Zweibelmas is upon us!
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Scientists Discover Wrinkle In Time-Life Continuum

PASADENA, CA—The world's scientific and multi-volume- book-buying communities are abuzz following Monday's announcement that a team of California Institute of Technology physicists has discovered a wrinkle in the Time-Life continuum.

If the discovery proves to be correct, consumers may be able to receive 100 percent of their money back even after observing Time-Life phenomena for a limited 10-day "window" in the continuum.

"Preliminary data still needs to be closely evaluated before any definitive conclusions can be reached," said Cal Tech team leader Stephen Yu. "But it now appears that the very fabric of Time-Life itself may be curved in such a manner that an observer may be able to purchase, receive and peruse any number of verifiable Time-Life phenomena, and then return them within 10 days for a full money-back-guaranteed refund, in effect returning to precisely where he started 10 days earlier, even though he has already spent 10 days reading material from the continuum firsthand. Yes, I know it sounds paradoxical, but it appears to be true."

According to the Cal Tech physicists, Monday's discovery will likely have a profound impact on researchers' ability to gather useful and interesting data on a variety of topics, including home construction and repair, the Vietnam War, and legendary Old West gunslingers like John Wesley Hardin, a man so ornery he once shot a man just for snoring.

"The potential for backyard deck construction and development alone is tremendous," said Yu, who discovered the crucial wrinkle while "cable-surfing," or rapidly switching from one electromagnetic frequency to another while measuring the results on a phosphorescent screen. "I've always wanted to know how to get simple, easy-to-follow instructions for grouting, tiling, drywall, and installing a new utility sink—and for just a fraction of what a professional would charge."

Yu said the next stage of his Time-Life research will involve the acquisition of a sample specimen of the first volume, Kitchens And Bathrooms, available for a low, low price of only $19.95. If, after examining the sample, Yu is satisfied with the results, he will continue to receive an additional volume every month for only $19.95 each. Yu stressed that because of the paradoxical 10-day window delineated by the curvature of Time-Life, he could return any volume which did not satisfy him, as well as cancel any time.

Monday's discovery has been of particular interest to the handful of physicists working on what is termed the "grand unified theory" or "GUTs," which attempts to link what scientists call "the four forces" into one unified science.

The first major breakthrough in the quest to achieve a grand unified theory occurred in 1971, when an Oxford University physicist working with extremely high-energy particle accelerators successfully proved that Time and Life are, in actuality, a single entity known as Time-Life, fused together long ago in an event known as the Big Merge. In 1982, a Tokyo University team discovered that, under certain conditions, particles within the Time-Life continuum could be exchanged with reactions caused by the strong and weak Warnerlar forces, creating what theorists call the "Time/Warner" force.

"Astounding as it may sound," Cal Tech physicist Lewis Sheehan said, "it may one day be proven that the Time-Life continuum and the Time/Warner force are linked to the so-called 'Turner' forces, which shape literally galaxies of stars, creating the ultimate in grand unified merge theory: the Time/Warner-Turner hypothesis. This theory, however, remains strictly theoretical at this point, as the conditions under which such a merger could occur cannot be generated within known science. It would require a hypothetical high-energy state that only existed during the first few billionths of a second after the creation of the cosmos, and during a brief period in the mid-1990s."

Despite the seeming impossibility of recreating such conditions, Sheehan said there may be a way to use the newly discovered wrinkle to literally step "outside" the realm of known science using data gathered directly from the Mysteries Of The Unknown.

"A woman in Wisconsin gets a sudden feeling that something terrible has happened. Just then the phone rings, and she learns that her daughter in Florida has been in an accident. Just chance? Or is it something more?" Sheehan pondered enigmatically. "I'm going to find out for myself by ordering now."

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