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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome

‘It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggc…’

PALO ALTO, CA—Revealing the long-awaited results of a 10-year study conducted by a massive international research team, scientists confirmed Thursday that work on the Human Genome Enunciation Project was finally complete. “I’m pleased to announce our extensive analysis of the genetic code has now shown us the proper way to pronounce the human genome in its entirety; It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggcggggacttgtaaataacactgggctgtaggagtgat,” said project head Timothy Yancey of Stanford University said, adding, “Ggggttcacctctaattctaagatggctagataatg.” “Acgtttcagggttgtgcttctagggtaccgggggggggggggggggggggggggatggggggggggggggggggggcagt…” At press time, Yancey was still enunciating the 3-billion-letter sequence, with sources projecting he would be finished by fall 2027.

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