Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome

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Vol 49 Issue 33

Government Finally Admits Existence Of Area 51

In declassified CIA documents, the government officially acknowledged for the first time ever the existence of Area 51, saying that the top-secret location in the Nevada desert was created as a testing site for the U-2 spy plane in the 1950s.

Dog Unaware It Isn't Starving

Scientists finally pronounce the human genome, a new report finds that the Washington Redskins’ name is only offensive if you think about what it means, and a bigoted asshole makes the best barbecue.
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Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome

PALO ALTO, CA—Revealing the long-awaited results of a 10-year study conducted by a massive international research team, scientists confirmed Thursday that work on the Human Genome Enunciation Project was finally complete. “I’m pleased to announce our extensive analysis of the genetic code has now shown us the proper way to pronounce the human genome in its entirety; It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggcggggacttgtaaataacactgggctgtaggagtgat,” said project head Timothy Yancey of Stanford University said, adding, “Ggggttcacctctaattctaagatggctagataatg.” “Acgtttcagggttgtgcttctagggtaccgggggggggggggggggggggggggatggggggggggggggggggggcagt…” At press time, Yancey was still enunciating the 3-billion-letter sequence, with sources projecting he would be finished by fall 2027.

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