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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Scientists Finally Pronounce Human Genome

‘It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggc…’

PALO ALTO, CA—Revealing the long-awaited results of a 10-year study conducted by a massive international research team, scientists confirmed Thursday that work on the Human Genome Enunciation Project was finally complete. “I’m pleased to announce our extensive analysis of the genetic code has now shown us the proper way to pronounce the human genome in its entirety; It’s Gatcaatgaggtggacaccagaggcggggacttgtaaataacactgggctgtaggagtgat,” said project head Timothy Yancey of Stanford University said, adding, “Ggggttcacctctaattctaagatggctagataatg.” “Acgtttcagggttgtgcttctagggtaccgggggggggggggggggggggggggatggggggggggggggggggggcagt…” At press time, Yancey was still enunciating the 3-billion-letter sequence, with sources projecting he would be finished by fall 2027.

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