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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Scientists Finally Prove What Area Dad Has Been Saying For Years

HOUGHTON, MI—A new study published in the science journal Nature has confirmed what area dad Charles Hillman has been saying all along, sources reported Monday. "Observation of a random sampling of participants showed that reduced distances between a viewer and a television set can lead to eye strain and, just like your Dad always told you kids, a greater risk for refractive myopia," the paper read in part, adding that modern science could have reached these conclusions years ago if it had just listened to that Chuck Hillman guy. "In conclusion, all data seem to indicate that maybe your old man isn't the big goofball you thought he was, huh?" The authors of the study are currently conducting trials that may prove your mother is not, in fact, such a worrywart after all for making you keep a warm blanket in the trunk of your car.

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