adBlockCheck

Recent News

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Find Link Between How Pathetic You Are, How Fast You Respond To Emails

CHICAGO—According to a study published this week in the Journal Of Contemporary Ethnography, scientists at the University of Chicago have established a definitive link between how promptly an individual responds to emails and how pathetic that person is as a human being. “Our research shows that, without exception, only the saddest and most pitiable individuals will reply to a new message in their inbox within moments of receiving it, whereas those who respond after an extended period—oftentimes up to multiple days—are invariably more socially adept, confident people,” said sociologist Daniel Moran, confirming that the length of time that passed between receiving a given work or personal email and sending a reply was directly correlated to the level of excitement, diversity, and fulfillment in that person’s life. “By simply noting how quickly it takes an acquaintance or colleague to respond to one’s online correspondence, email users can accurately assess what kind of person they're dealing with. And it goes without saying that those people who respond immediately to emails can safely be written off as miserable losers who are sadly hanging on every little message that gets sent their way.” Moran also added that the frequency with which one checked or refreshed their email account corresponded precisely to how empty that person felt inside.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings