Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

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Vol 32 Issue 14

Exxon Donates $70 Million To Clean Up Portland Man's Life

PORTLAND, OR—In a move hailed by environmentalists as its first act of responsibility toward area resident Dan Fanshaw, Exxon Corp. announced that it will donate $70 million toward cleaning up Fanshaw’s life. Among the damage for which Exxon will compensate Fanshaw: his failure to get into medical school, the May ’97 death of his beloved dog Max, and his increasing addiction to anti-depressants. “It’s a mess,” Exxon spokesperson David Haller said. “But we are committed to cleaning it up.”

Chris Farley Has Hilarious Cardiac Arrest

NEW YORK—Obese comedian Chris Farley delighted dozens of onlookers Thursday, suffering an uproarious heart attack at a Manhattan restaurant. “He was enjoying our $10.99 all-you-can-eat lasagna special,” said Il Trattoria owner Ed Gianelli, “when he turned all red and started pounding on his chest. He then flopped onto a nearby table, smashing it into splinters and sending food flying in all directions. I was in hysterics. This guy is the next Belushi.”

St. Vincent To World's Catholics: Stop Donating All This Crap To Me

VATICAN CITY—Frustrated by the ever-mounting piles of used clothing, old magazines and rusting appliances accumulating in his name in thrift shops around the globe, St. Vincent made a plea to the world’s Catholics Monday to “stop donating all this crap to me.” “If one more paint-covered sweatshirt, dented crock pot, or any other piece of thrift-store garbage is dropped into one of my bins, I am going to snap,” said St. Vincent, named patron of works of charity in 1855. “Please, keep your worthless trash—I don’t want it.”

Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face

HANOVER, NH—Meredith Pierce, 33, a Hanover-area elementary-school teacher, is attracting the attention of the art world with her Rubenesque figure and Picassoesque face. “Her plump form reminds me of the voluptuous servant girl who voraciously eats the roast pig in Rubens’ Flemish Feast (1610),” Oxford University art-history professor Edmund Kent said. “But it is Pierce’s grotesque, asymmetrical face that truly distinguishes her: Her crooked nose and badly misplaced eyes evoke Picasso’s early experimentations with cubism, when he was struggling to capture the fractured nature of modern life, and her severely exaggerated forehead reminds me of Les Desmoiselles d’Avignon and other mid-period abstract works. Pierce’s face is a brilliant summation of the shattered, hideous absurdity of the human condition.” Pierce will be transferred to the Prado next month for a two-year installation.

Federal Government To Be Run By Cheaper Mexican Officials

WASHINGTON, DC—In a cost-cutting move expected to save taxpayers $50 billion a year, it was announced Monday that U.S. federal officials will be replaced by cheaper Mexican counterparts. “I want to thank you for this opportunity. We will do our best to run America as best we can,” said Ernesto Vasquez, the new president of the U.S. Vasquez said he will work closely with Vice-President Guillermo Reyes and members of El Senate and La Casa De Representatives to ensure a smooth transition of power. Vasquez will earn the lavish wage of $3.50 an hour as president, more than most of the new federal officials will earn per day.

U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro crisis," cautioning that "if current levels of U.S. retro consumption are allowed to continue unchecked, we may run entirely out of past by as soon as 2005."
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Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

SOMERS, NY—At a press conference Tuesday, scientists working for the prestigious PepsiLab facility announced the historic, first-ever isolation of the long sought-after "anti-Pepsi gene," the basic building block of DNA responsible for so-called "Pepsi resistance" in adult soda consumers.

PepsiLab genetic engineers isolated this gene by using highly carbonated nucleoPepsides to polarize a strand of human DNA. When this segment remained unchanged after polarization, a closer look revealed the presence of Pepsi-related genes.

Visibly overcome with emotion, the team celebrated its discovery at the jubilant press conference, at which PepsiLab research head Jameson Hargrove opened a rare bottle of 1991 Crystal Pepsi and shared it with fellow scientists and reporters.

According to Hargrove, those suffering from Pepsi resistance possess a rare strand of anti-nucleoPepside DNA absent in healthy, normal, "Pepsi-positive" people. By locating the mutant Pepsi-resistant gene, he said, his team has taken a major step toward finding a cure for hereditary Pepsidebility.

"For years, geneticists have searched for this gene in the hopes of making the great taste of Pepsi available to all people—even those stricken with Pepsidebility, such as Ed and Agnes Herlihy, of Augusta, ME, who have stated a lifelong preference to the other leading cola brand," Hargrove said. "But now, with the isolation of this anti-Pepsi gene, we have taken the first step toward curing people like the Herlihys, who are outnumbered by Pepsi drinkers three-to-one. The long road to healing can now finally begin."

A PepsiLab scientist examines a sample of a mutant strain of Pepsi-resistant DNA.

For the last several decades, it was thought that non-Pepsi-appreciative soda consumers could be cured only through massive bombardment of Pepsi-positive cathode radiation, administered through a television monitor.

This risky, arduous form of treatment—which involved months of hours-long sessions of exposure to the celebrity-charged cathode rays—had serious side effects, including irritability and loss of sleep, and, in some cases, proved almost as debilitating as the condition it was intended to treat.

Further, even when successful, the treatment typically had short-lived results.

"Even when $10 or 20 million was invested in obtaining a high-profile endorsement from, say, Michael J. Fox or the Jacksons, many of the patients tested resumed drinking the other leading cola brand immediately after the treatment stopped," said Hargrove. "That's how insidious this condition is."

Hargrove said that in 1989, a team of Pepsi-funded scientists became convinced that if the genetic triggers for Pepsi-intolerance could be found, there might still be a way to help all people enjoy Pepsi permanently, painlessly, and without the expensive and often futile radiation-bombardment treatment.

After nearly nine years of research, PepsiLab researchers are finally on their way to a cure. "Isolating this gene was the major hurdle to curing Pepsi resistance," Hargrove said. "Now, through the wonders of genetic surgery, the world's remaining non-Pepsi-drinkers will finally end their suffering and, for the first time in their lives, experience the refreshing taste of Pepsi—the choice of a new, next generation," Hargrove said.

Pepsi corporate spokespersons stressed that, despite the breakthrough, genetic surgery is still an experimental science, and that the actual genetic reengineering of vast sectors of the populace into loyal Pepsi consumers may not proceed "for some time now."

"It is our duty to our fellow man to help Pepsi be enjoyed by all, and we'll do everything we can to make that day a reality," Pepsi director of corporate communications Janet Dorner said. "As long as one person out there is still afflicted with the terrible disease of non-Pepsi-consumership, we will not rest."

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