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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically possible. “Though mankind’s collective understanding of productivity has, until today, encompassed only that which begins at 9 a.m. on Monday morning and returns to a stasis period at 5 p.m. each Friday, our research suggests that productivity could, in theory, stretch beyond these boundaries and exist even across Saturday and Sunday,” said physicist Nancy Olevich, who explained that while researchers had not yet observed such a phenomenon, their calculations suggested that the successful completion of tasks during the weekend—ranging all the way from home repairs to work projects—was nevertheless a real statistical possibility. “Additional study is of course needed, but if our team can trace the source of this theoretical extended productivity, it stands to reason that it could be harnessed and applied to weekend DIY endeavors never before imagined. Perhaps within our lifetime we will even see to-do lists whittled down or even eradicated by Sunday nights, reversing the current trend of growth over the 48-hour weekend period. It’s truly a transformative prospect.” Olevich told reporters that her team is currently testing whether the phenomenon can be synthesized by combining certain levels of intrinsic motivation with an as yet undetermined volume of Starbucks Doubleshot® Espresso.

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