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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically possible. “Though mankind’s collective understanding of productivity has, until today, encompassed only that which begins at 9 a.m. on Monday morning and returns to a stasis period at 5 p.m. each Friday, our research suggests that productivity could, in theory, stretch beyond these boundaries and exist even across Saturday and Sunday,” said physicist Nancy Olevich, who explained that while researchers had not yet observed such a phenomenon, their calculations suggested that the successful completion of tasks during the weekend—ranging all the way from home repairs to work projects—was nevertheless a real statistical possibility. “Additional study is of course needed, but if our team can trace the source of this theoretical extended productivity, it stands to reason that it could be harnessed and applied to weekend DIY endeavors never before imagined. Perhaps within our lifetime we will even see to-do lists whittled down or even eradicated by Sunday nights, reversing the current trend of growth over the 48-hour weekend period. It’s truly a transformative prospect.” Olevich told reporters that her team is currently testing whether the phenomenon can be synthesized by combining certain levels of intrinsic motivation with an as yet undetermined volume of Starbucks Doubleshot® Espresso.

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