Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog

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Vol 49 Issue 26

Progressive Charter School Doesn’t Have Students

ATLANTA—One year into its founding as the purported “bold next step in education reform,” administrators on Monday sang the praises of Forest Gates Academy, a progressive new charter school that practices an innovative philosophy of not ...

Government Bans Sugary, Fatty Snacks From Schools

Under the government’s new “Smart Snacks in Schools” guidelines, schools will no longer be allowed to stock vending machines or snack bars with treats exceeding 200 calories or those including trans fats.

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PBS 3 p.m. EDT/2 p.m. CDT In this spinoff of The Magic School Bus, Mrs. Frizzle and her class hop on the magic skateboard and try to land a 360 varial inside the principal’s small intestine.

Senate Passes Immigration Reform Bill

With 14 Republicans joining Democrats, the Senate passed a sweeping immigration reform bill yesterday, which would provide a 13-year path to citizenship for the nation’s illegal immigrants, though the bill faces strong opposition from House Republic...
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Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog

They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit

WASHINGTON—In what is probably being hailed as some sort of groundbreaking discovery, sources confirmed Friday that scientists have most likely identified a new species of frog recently because that’s the type of shit they do all the time. “They’re always announcing some fucking shit about a new lizard or toad or something, so I bet they just came across a previously unknown breed of frog in some rainforest in Brazil or wherever,” said 29-year-old Pittsburgh resident Jake Morrell, adding that the newfound amphibian is “probably some weird color or has ultra-rare markings on it and blah, blah, blah.” “I bet the frog could contain the cure for a disease, too. Scientists always say stuff like that that when they announce these things.” At press time, a majority of Americans reportedly speculated that the frog is highly endangered, because isn’t that how this shit always goes?

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