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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Scientists Probably Discover A New Species Of Frog

They’re Always Doing That Kind Of Shit

WASHINGTON—In what is probably being hailed as some sort of groundbreaking discovery, sources confirmed Friday that scientists have most likely identified a new species of frog recently because that’s the type of shit they do all the time. “They’re always announcing some fucking shit about a new lizard or toad or something, so I bet they just came across a previously unknown breed of frog in some rainforest in Brazil or wherever,” said 29-year-old Pittsburgh resident Jake Morrell, adding that the newfound amphibian is “probably some weird color or has ultra-rare markings on it and blah, blah, blah.” “I bet the frog could contain the cure for a disease, too. Scientists always say stuff like that that when they announce these things.” At press time, a majority of Americans reportedly speculated that the frog is highly endangered, because isn’t that how this shit always goes?

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