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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Scientists: Rich People, Poor People May Have Shared Common Ancestor

ITHACA, NY—According to a study released this week by geneticists at Cornell University, substantial evidence indicates that rich people and poor people—disparate populations long thought to be entirely unrelated—may have once shared a single common ancestor. “After conducting careful DNA analysis, our research team was taken aback to discover that the wealthy and the working class actually have a considerable number of genetic similarities,” said study co-author Kenneth Chang, adding that despite the disparity between the modern-day affluent and low earners in terms of behavior, appearance, and lifestyle, numerous genetic markers revealed that their predecessors may have once lived beside one another without any noticeable differences. “Side by side, poor people and rich people look almost nothing alike, of course. It took months of chromosomal comparison to discover that links exist between, say, a top-level consultant at Bain Capital living in a gated community and a mother of three relying on multiple low-wage jobs to survive. And upon close inspection, it is possible to detect subtle, but striking, physical resemblances between these vastly different peoples.” Scientists also determined that the ultra-rich were closely related to jellyfish and other soft-bodied invertebrates.

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