adBlockCheck

Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Say U.S. May Have Discovered Previously Unknown Level Of Not Caring About Syria

CAMBRIDGE, MA—According to a groundbreaking new scientific study released Tuesday by Harvard University, the U.S. population could very well have discovered a new and unprecedented level of not caring about Syria. "Our research indicates that Americans may have stumbled upon an extreme degree of ignorance and disregard for the plight of dying Syrians that we never before thought humanly possible," said lead researcher Dr. Henry Mason, noting that recent images of the Syrian government openly killing citizens in the nation's streets appeared to have no measurable effect on American psyches. "At some point—possibly after the mass murder of more than 100 men, women, and children in Houla, or when photos of mass graves began appearing across the Internet—the U.S. citizenry must have found previously untapped reserves of callousness, indifference, and self-absorption that were simply beyond the capacity of our research tools to quantify." Mason confirmed that scientists expect apathy levels to rise sharply in further trial studies, primarily because 95 percent of Americans still don't know the president of Syria's name.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close