adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans

Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.
Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.

PALO ALTO, CA—Citing the near infinite number of celestial bodies in the known universe, an international panel of scientists at Stanford University released a report this week speculating that any extraterrestrials that exist may have hair entirely different from that of humans.

The researchers, who analyzed data on the vast variety of atmospheric and chemical conditions found on distant worlds, suggested aliens could have hair with color and texture so different from that of human beings as to be virtually unrecognizable.

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe,” said astrobiologist Jeremy Rosenwald, adding that a range of factors, such as the amount of gravity or water on a planet, could influence our very definition of silky, kinky, or wavy. “After all, alien hair could be an adaptation to literally any imaginable environment. If we encountered an alien tomorrow, who knows what hair we’d be dealing with?”

“Think of it,” Rosenwald continued. “Styling beyond the human brain’s capacity to even conceive.”

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe.”

Researchers used computer simulations to predict how hair might develop in a variety of extreme planetary conditions, including severe cold, sustained wind speeds in excess of 2,000 miles per hour, or the absence of an atmosphere altogether. Among their findings was reportedly the startling revelation that alien life forms might not only have brown, black, blond, or red hair, but hair whose natural color falls literally anywhere along the visual spectrum—or that is completely translucent.

The scientists went on to suggest that because the differences between humans and extraterrestrials could extend to the fundamental building blocks of life, alien organisms may even have a head of hair that parts horizontally across the top of their head, rather than vertically at the center or to either side.

“We were able to render several images of what we think bangs could look like if non-carbon-based organisms developed them in a 90 percent methane atmosphere,” said astronomer Nigel Lucas. “But these are at best speculative exercises. With all the factors that come into play, we honestly don’t know if the bangs would be side-swept, peek-a-boo, or some unearthly combination of both.”

“And based on the age of the universe, these creatures could be far more intelligent than we are and have civilizations with salons far more advanced than our own,” continued Lucas. “In that case, we’d be as bewildered by their approaches to feathering, highlighting, and chunking as the earliest hominid on the savanna would be by ours.”

However, because human beings have barely even begun to explore their infinitesimally small region of the universe, Lucas told reporters that the odds of actually viewing extraterrestrial hair in our lifetime are extremely remote.

“As a scientist, it’s disappointing that I’ll almost certainly never see the hair on a creature from a planet that’s covered in ammonia seas or that’s many times hotter than our own sun,” said Lucas. “I can only wonder if it wishes it could see my hair, too.”

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close