Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

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The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

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How Animals Go Extinct

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Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

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Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

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Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

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‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

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Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans

Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.
Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.

PALO ALTO, CA—Citing the near infinite number of celestial bodies in the known universe, an international panel of scientists at Stanford University released a report this week speculating that any extraterrestrials that exist may have hair entirely different from that of humans.

The researchers, who analyzed data on the vast variety of atmospheric and chemical conditions found on distant worlds, suggested aliens could have hair with color and texture so different from that of human beings as to be virtually unrecognizable.

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe,” said astrobiologist Jeremy Rosenwald, adding that a range of factors, such as the amount of gravity or water on a planet, could influence our very definition of silky, kinky, or wavy. “After all, alien hair could be an adaptation to literally any imaginable environment. If we encountered an alien tomorrow, who knows what hair we’d be dealing with?”

“Think of it,” Rosenwald continued. “Styling beyond the human brain’s capacity to even conceive.”

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe.”

Researchers used computer simulations to predict how hair might develop in a variety of extreme planetary conditions, including severe cold, sustained wind speeds in excess of 2,000 miles per hour, or the absence of an atmosphere altogether. Among their findings was reportedly the startling revelation that alien life forms might not only have brown, black, blond, or red hair, but hair whose natural color falls literally anywhere along the visual spectrum—or that is completely translucent.

The scientists went on to suggest that because the differences between humans and extraterrestrials could extend to the fundamental building blocks of life, alien organisms may even have a head of hair that parts horizontally across the top of their head, rather than vertically at the center or to either side.

“We were able to render several images of what we think bangs could look like if non-carbon-based organisms developed them in a 90 percent methane atmosphere,” said astronomer Nigel Lucas. “But these are at best speculative exercises. With all the factors that come into play, we honestly don’t know if the bangs would be side-swept, peek-a-boo, or some unearthly combination of both.”

“And based on the age of the universe, these creatures could be far more intelligent than we are and have civilizations with salons far more advanced than our own,” continued Lucas. “In that case, we’d be as bewildered by their approaches to feathering, highlighting, and chunking as the earliest hominid on the savanna would be by ours.”

However, because human beings have barely even begun to explore their infinitesimally small region of the universe, Lucas told reporters that the odds of actually viewing extraterrestrial hair in our lifetime are extremely remote.

“As a scientist, it’s disappointing that I’ll almost certainly never see the hair on a creature from a planet that’s covered in ammonia seas or that’s many times hotter than our own sun,” said Lucas. “I can only wonder if it wishes it could see my hair, too.”


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