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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Scientists Speculate Extraterrestrials May Have Completely Different Hair Than Humans

Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.
Scientists say alien civilizations could potentially favor updos completely unfathomable to the human mind.

PALO ALTO, CA—Citing the near infinite number of celestial bodies in the known universe, an international panel of scientists at Stanford University released a report this week speculating that any extraterrestrials that exist may have hair entirely different from that of humans.

The researchers, who analyzed data on the vast variety of atmospheric and chemical conditions found on distant worlds, suggested aliens could have hair with color and texture so different from that of human beings as to be virtually unrecognizable.

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe,” said astrobiologist Jeremy Rosenwald, adding that a range of factors, such as the amount of gravity or water on a planet, could influence our very definition of silky, kinky, or wavy. “After all, alien hair could be an adaptation to literally any imaginable environment. If we encountered an alien tomorrow, who knows what hair we’d be dealing with?”

“Think of it,” Rosenwald continued. “Styling beyond the human brain’s capacity to even conceive.”

“When you consider just how massive the universe is and just how many ways life could have evolved, it’s likely extraterrestrials have hair we simply don’t have the vocabulary to describe.”

Researchers used computer simulations to predict how hair might develop in a variety of extreme planetary conditions, including severe cold, sustained wind speeds in excess of 2,000 miles per hour, or the absence of an atmosphere altogether. Among their findings was reportedly the startling revelation that alien life forms might not only have brown, black, blond, or red hair, but hair whose natural color falls literally anywhere along the visual spectrum—or that is completely translucent.

The scientists went on to suggest that because the differences between humans and extraterrestrials could extend to the fundamental building blocks of life, alien organisms may even have a head of hair that parts horizontally across the top of their head, rather than vertically at the center or to either side.

“We were able to render several images of what we think bangs could look like if non-carbon-based organisms developed them in a 90 percent methane atmosphere,” said astronomer Nigel Lucas. “But these are at best speculative exercises. With all the factors that come into play, we honestly don’t know if the bangs would be side-swept, peek-a-boo, or some unearthly combination of both.”

“And based on the age of the universe, these creatures could be far more intelligent than we are and have civilizations with salons far more advanced than our own,” continued Lucas. “In that case, we’d be as bewildered by their approaches to feathering, highlighting, and chunking as the earliest hominid on the savanna would be by ours.”

However, because human beings have barely even begun to explore their infinitesimally small region of the universe, Lucas told reporters that the odds of actually viewing extraterrestrial hair in our lifetime are extremely remote.

“As a scientist, it’s disappointing that I’ll almost certainly never see the hair on a creature from a planet that’s covered in ammonia seas or that’s many times hotter than our own sun,” said Lucas. “I can only wonder if it wishes it could see my hair, too.”

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