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Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a major breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the basketball community, the nation’s preeminent scientists announced Thursday that a roster capable of supporting Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard could theoretically exist somewhere in the NBA. “With 30 teams and over 400 players in the league, we believe a 15-man roster that is able to support Dwight Howard is out there somewhere,” said MIT theoretical physicist Dr. Jonathan Mueller, explaining that researchers are still looking for a lineup consisting of the perfect combination of elements, including balanced role players, a primary scorer with no traces of ego, and a low-pressure atmosphere, necessary to adequately sustain Howard. “We’ve come very close to developing rosters that could support him in isolated conditions, but they are incredibly unstable and always break apart in a matter of seconds. And we thought we had identified a suitable roster in Los Angeles last year, but it turned out to be far too volatile.” Mueller, who confirmed some progress has been made over the last year, expressed doubts that Howard will actually be able to successfully inhabit an NBA team within the foreseeable future.

UPDATE: Scientists postulate Howard could hypothetically inhabit one of the smaller teams in the remote cluster of NBA franchises occupying the Rust Belt.

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