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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a major breakthrough that has sent shockwaves through the basketball community, the nation’s preeminent scientists announced Thursday that a roster capable of supporting Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard could theoretically exist somewhere in the NBA. “With 30 teams and over 400 players in the league, we believe a 15-man roster that is able to support Dwight Howard is out there somewhere,” said MIT theoretical physicist Dr. Jonathan Mueller, explaining that researchers are still looking for a lineup consisting of the perfect combination of elements, including balanced role players, a primary scorer with no traces of ego, and a low-pressure atmosphere, necessary to adequately sustain Howard. “We’ve come very close to developing rosters that could support him in isolated conditions, but they are incredibly unstable and always break apart in a matter of seconds. And we thought we had identified a suitable roster in Los Angeles last year, but it turned out to be far too volatile.” Mueller, who confirmed some progress has been made over the last year, expressed doubts that Howard will actually be able to successfully inhabit an NBA team within the foreseeable future.

UPDATE: Scientists postulate Howard could hypothetically inhabit one of the smaller teams in the remote cluster of NBA franchises occupying the Rust Belt.

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