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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Scientists Theorize Sun Could Support Fire-Based Life

WASHINGTON—In an announcement that could forever change the way scientists study the hydrogen-based star, NASA researchers published a comprehensive study today theorizing that the sun may be capable of supporting fire-based lifeforms. “After extensive research, we have reason to believe that the sun may be habitable for fire-based life, including primitive single-flame microbes and more complex ember-like organisms capable of thriving under all manner of burning conditions,” lead investigator Dr. Steven T. Aukerman wrote, noting that the sun’s helium-rich surface of highly charged particles provides the perfect food source for fire-based lifeforms. “With a surface temperature of 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and frequent eruptions of ionized gases flowing along strong magnetic fields, the sun is the first star we’ve seen with the right conditions to support fire organisms, and we believe there is evidence to support the theory that fire-bacteria, fire-insects, and even tiny fire-fish were once perhaps populous on the sun’s surface.” Scientists cautioned that despite the exciting possibilities of fire-life on the star, there are numerous logistical, moral, and ethical questions to resolve before scientists could even begin to entertain the possibility of putting fire-people on the sun.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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