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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Scientists Theorize Sun Could Support Fire-Based Life

WASHINGTON—In an announcement that could forever change the way scientists study the hydrogen-based star, NASA researchers published a comprehensive study today theorizing that the sun may be capable of supporting fire-based lifeforms. “After extensive research, we have reason to believe that the sun may be habitable for fire-based life, including primitive single-flame microbes and more complex ember-like organisms capable of thriving under all manner of burning conditions,” lead investigator Dr. Steven T. Aukerman wrote, noting that the sun’s helium-rich surface of highly charged particles provides the perfect food source for fire-based lifeforms. “With a surface temperature of 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit and frequent eruptions of ionized gases flowing along strong magnetic fields, the sun is the first star we’ve seen with the right conditions to support fire organisms, and we believe there is evidence to support the theory that fire-bacteria, fire-insects, and even tiny fire-fish were once perhaps populous on the sun’s surface.” Scientists cautioned that despite the exciting possibilities of fire-life on the star, there are numerous logistical, moral, and ethical questions to resolve before scientists could even begin to entertain the possibility of putting fire-people on the sun.

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